


To Rule In Hell: Cataclysm

by Ithiel_Dragon



Series: To Rule in Hell [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Movie Spoilers, Porn With Plot, Romance, Rough Sex, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-03-13 20:59:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3396122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithiel_Dragon/pseuds/Ithiel_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim thought he would never see John again. Now he wishes that were the case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, big thanks to my beta [NurseDarry](http://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/pseuds/NurseDarry).

Nibiru. Jim would be happy never to hear the name of that planet again for the rest of his life. It was bad enough that Spock had nearly died. Still the mission had been successful. More or less. Aside from the whole breaking the Prime Directive aspect. Everything would have turned out fine if only Spock wasn't such a damned...Vulcan.  
  
Why did Spock have to file that damned report? Jim just didn't understand. Spock _had_ to know what would have happened. Big stickler for regulations that he was, Spock would have known exactly what Starfleet would do to Jim when they found out. Or maybe not... Spock had assumed Jim would be truthful in his Captain's Log. Though Jim had a feeling even if he _had_ been truthful about what had happened on Nibiru, the results probably would have been the same.  
  
A no-win scenario...  
  
Now he'd lost everything. His ship. His crew. They were sending him back to the Academy, for fuck's sake! The Academy hadn't exactly been a picnic before, and Jim wasn't all that thrilled at the prospect of returning, especially without Bones there, or Uhura, or anyone else he'd managed to befriend back in his Academy days. Promoted now, they'd all outrank him. And him, former captain of the _Enterprise_ , reduced to the rank of a lowly cadet once more for his screw-up, the humiliation was bad enough, but... Who would ever want to serve with him after that? No, his career in Starfleet was effectively over now.  
  
Was what he'd done really that bad to warrant this kind of punishment? Maybe not on its own, but given he'd already been under scrutiny after what had happened with...  
  
Jim's fingers tightened around the glass in his hand to the point his knuckles began to turn white. If he held the glass any tighter it would be in danger of breaking, but he couldn't seem to force himself to loosen his grip. The last person he wanted to think about right now was...him. Jim had been doing everything he could _not_ to think about him for a while now. Not that it really worked, but he pretended it did nonetheless.  
  
Jim lifted his glass to his lips and swallowed down the last of his drink. He couldn't even remember what he'd ordered, and could barely taste the strong alcohol. Booze alone definitely wasn't doing the trick. What he really needed was a distraction, and the pretty waitress who kept catching his eye was looking very promising. Unfortunately, just as he made up his mind to go for it, the seat next to him was taken by one of the last people Jim wanted to see right now.  
  
Groaning in frustration, Jim turned away from Admiral Pike, briefly wondering if he ignored the older man, he might just go away. Jim might love the man like a father, but right now he didn't like Pike very much. Unfortunately Pike didn't look like he planned on going anywhere anytime soon.  
  
"How did you find me?" Jim finally asked, resigned.  
  
"I know you better than you think I do. And the first time I found you it was in a dive like this. Remember that? Got your ass handed to you."  
  
Jim frowned and went on to deny he had received an 'epic beating' that night. At the same time, his heart twisted a little, surprised just how easy the banter between them was, given the circumstances. It almost physically hurt, making him wish he'd had a lot more to drink before Pike had shown up.  
  
"Yeah that was a good fight," Jim finally admitted, forcing out a strained laugh. It was better to laugh than breaking down into tears and humiliating himself even more.  
  
"A good fight. I think that's your problem right there." Pike's words were like salt in an open wound. Maybe he was even right. But he'd always been a fighter. It was just a part of who Jim Kirk had always been. Especially before he had joined Starfleet. He'd always been hot-headed, quick to use his fists to solve an argument rather than words. He'd always been confrontational, questioning authority or outright bucking it, never settling for doing what others told him, simply because it was polite or what was expected of him. He dealt with things his own way, came to his own conclusions, and didn't back down just because everyone else expected him to. He didn't believe in no-win scenarios...  
  
At one time, especially when Pike recommended him for command of the _Enterprise_ , he thought that Pike understood him, saw what made Jim Kirk different from everyone else, special, and Jim respected him for it. He'd thought that Pike approved of him and his different way of doing things. He thought Pike understood that sometimes breaking the rules was necessary, and trusted Jim enough to let him forge his own path instead of trying to rein him in like so many others had throughout Jim's life. Jim Kirk didn't need to be held back. He needed to be set free!  
  
"They gave her back to me. The _Enterprise_." Pike's words made Jim's stomach twist into even tighter knots, and the younger man was starting to regret the alcohol in his stomach after all. It was a long time before he finally managed to force out:  
  
"Congratulations." He supposed he should be grateful that Pike was telling him in person, at least. maybe thinking it would soften the blow. At least Jim could take a small comfort in the fact that he knew his ship and crew would be in good hands. Though he couldn't help adding a little bitterly, "Watch your back with that first officer."  
  
Spock's betrayal was definitely the worst part about all of this. He had trusted Spock, maybe more than he'd trusted anyone in a long time. But as it turned out, the half-Vulcan was just another in a long line of people who had never quite understood him. No one did...  
  
But that wasn't quite true, was it? There had been one man who seemed to understand Jim all too well. One who didn't think this integral part of Jim Kirk's nature was a 'problem' like everyone else seemed to. One man who saw him, who understood him, and did not recoil, instead matching the passion burning in Jim's veins with his own, sometimes consuming Jim entirely. Jim had never realised just how much he wanted, needed, to be consumed until then.  
  
 _"You were fearless. Savage. A rare trait in this time. You are a warrior."_ Those almost reverent words had haunted Jim's dreams ever since they'd been spoken, and no matter how much he tried to forget them, and the man who'd spoken them, he couldn't. This was the last thing Jim needed right now. On top of everything else, thinking about John might be what finally broke him.  
  
So lost in his own depressing thoughts, Jim almost missed it when Pike told him that he was going to be his first officer. Jim looked at the elder man, hope and disbelief warring inside of him.  
  
"Marcus took some convincing. But every now and then I can make a good case."  
  
"W- what did you tell him?"  
  
"The truth. That I believe in you. That if anyone deserves a second chance, it's Jim Kirk."  
  
Jim felt his throat close and his eyes burn. He just couldn't believe it. What Pike had done...for him...  
  
"I don't know what to say."  
  
"That is a first. It's going to be okay, son." The elder man smiled at him, and Jim knew any second he was going to embarrass himself completely. He was almost grateful for the beeping communicator interrupting their conversation, allowing Jim a moment to regain his composure.  
  
"Emergency session, Daystrom. That's us. Suit up."  
  
Hopefully Jim would have the time to sober up a bit on the way. It wouldn't be the first time he'd shown up to a meeting half-drunk, but even he knew that wasn't the best way to start getting back into Starfleet's good graces. Jim had a second chance...he was not going to waste it.

* * *

  
  
The encounter with Spock had definitely not gone as well as Jim had hoped and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had been hoping for some kind of reconciliation. Spock had been an excellent first officer and an even better friend, despite their differences. They had worked extremely well together, the outcome of the last mission notwithstanding. He had been hoping...  
  
But Jim should have known better. Trying to explain himself, his feelings, to a Vulcan, or half-Vulcan as the case may be, he should have known would be futile. He wasn't sure what was worse. That Spock did not understand why Jim had done what he'd done, why he'd risked everything to save his life, or that Spock simply did not care.  Jim wasn't sure which it was, and a part of him didn't want to know. He really would miss Spock. It was just too bad that the feeling apparently wasn't mutual.  
  
Jim sighed softly to himself as he took his seat at the conference table. He had bigger things to worry about right now. He forced himself to pay attention as Admiral Marcus began the meeting, informing them of the recent bombing of the Starfleet Archive in London. Forty-two people dead...it was horrible... Pictures of the destroyed archive flashed across his terminal and made him feel sick, but that was nothing compared to the next image that appeared on his screen.  
  
Oh god...no...  
  
Jim felt the blood drain from his face. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't hear over his own pounding heart. All he could do was stare at the face of the man he...had fallen in love with...who had apparently just murdered forty-two people in cold blood.  
  
John Harrison.  
  
His John. It couldn't be true. It just...couldn't.  
  
Suddenly Jim felt like everyone was staring at him, their eyes accusing. Because Jim had, unknowingly at the time, helped John to escape from Starfleet custody. If he hadn't... then all these people might still be alive. John had lied to him. Used him. Even tried to kill him. But Jim still hadn't been able to quite believe it. That John was a traitor. He still...he still couldn't believe it now even with the proof staring at him in the face.  
  
Jim looked up quickly, paranoid, expecting to see all eyes on him. But the only one staring at him was Jim's former first officer. Apparently Spock was the only one who'd noticed his reaction, despite the fact that the Vulcan knew nothing about Jim's past with John. It had all been kept very quiet, how would it look if it got out that a Starfleet captain was fucking a terrorist and allowed him to escape? The only ones in this room who knew anything about it were Admiral Marcus and Admiral Pike, who, at a quick glance, seemed to be studiously not looking at Jim.  
  
Jim forced himself to concentrate on what Admiral Marcus was saying, swallowing hard as the admiral talked about hunting John down. But they had been doing that for months now, hadn't they? All this time and they still hadn't managed to capture John. How did they expect to find him now? And what did the admiral mean 'for reasons unknown'? What about Jim's testimony months ago? Weren't they even going to consider the option that maybe John wasn't directly responsible for this attack? That perhaps he was coerced into this due to threats against his family, like John had told Jim? Just like Marcus claimed the man, Thomas Harewood, was forced to carry out the bombing.  
  
It didn't make sense. Why would John want to bomb the archive anyway? What purpose did it serve? There were far bigger, more important, targets within Starfleet. As Jim went through the images on his terminal, the shots captured by surveillance of John at the scene, it only raised more questions. The jump ship that John acquired didn't have warp capabilities; he couldn't use it to escape Earth. John wasn't planning on running...  
  
"What's in the bag?" Jim finally blurted out in a whisper to Pike, unable to keep his questions silent anymore.  
  
"James, not now," Pike warned and Jim knew he should keep quiet. The last thing he needed right now was to call attention to himself, and especially his link to John. But he couldn't, he just...couldn't.  
  
"But doesn't it seem odd to you that he targeted an archive; that's like bombing a library," Jim insisted. But before he could go on he was interrupted by Admiral Marcus himself.  
  
"Chris. Everything okay over there?"  
  
Jim felt his stomach sink as Pike went on to apologise for him. Pike was still standing up for him, even now. The last thing Jim wanted was to get Pike in some kind of trouble because Jim couldn't keep his mouth shut. After everything Pike had done for him, was still doing for him, Jim couldn't let that happen.  
  
"You got something to say, Kirk, say it. Tomorrow's too late."  
  
"I'm fine sir, my apologies," Jim forced himself to say. He really thought that would be the end of it. He definitely wasn't expecting Marcus to insist.  
  
"Spit it out, son, don't be shy."  
  
What did the Admiral expect him to say? Jim couldn't tell everyone here what he knew about John. Not unless he really wanted to flush his career in Starfleet down the toilet. But how else could he explain his misgivings about what was going on?  
  
"Just...why the archive? All that information is public record. If he really wanted to damage Starfleet...this could just be the beginning." Jim knew he was stumbling over his words, rambling and not making much sense.  
  
"Beginning of what, Mr. Kirk?" Marcus insisted, and with no other choice, Jim continued.  
  
"Sir, in the event of an attack, protocol mandates that senior command gather captains and first officers at Starfleet HQ right here...in this room..."  
  
If John really wanted to damage Starfleet... Oh god...  
  
Even before the unearthly red light slowly began to fill the room, he knew. Even before the unmistakable hum of the jump ship's engines drowned out the loud beating of his own heart, he knew. Even before Jim stood and turned towards the conference room windows, he knew. It was not a mistake. John _was_ responsible for the archive. John had planned this brilliantly, to get them all here in one convenient place. And he was about to do something that Jim could _never_ forgive him for.  
  
"Clear the room!" Jim's shout was drowned out by the sudden explosion of glass, the jump ship's weapons, and the terrified screams of the men and women around him. The next few moments passed in a blur as Jim dove for cover, barely avoiding being incinerated by the blasts raining in without mercy through the destroyed windows. He moved on instinct, running for the weapon dropped by Starfleet Security personnel because what else could he do? Jim wasn't just going to cower and wait to be shot by his former lover.  
  
He ran out of the room, fear, anger, and adrenaline urging him on, and the only thing that kept heartbreak from driving him to his knees. He found a bank of windows where he could get a clean shot at the jump ship, hesitating only a handful of moments before he began firing. John continued to fire upon the conference room, completely ignoring Jim's attack, which was doing virtually no damage to the ship. With disgust Jim threw down the all-but-useless weapon.  
  
Seeing the exhaust fan of the jump ship, Jim had a sudden idea, and ran for the nearby emergency fire hose. He had no idea if what he was planning would work, he only knew he had to try. Miraculously, it did work, and the exhaust sucked in the length of hose, finally ripping the entire rigging from the wall. Jim dove out of the way. The exhaust exploded and the jump ship began to spin out of control. Jim could only watch in horrified fascination.  
  
Then, against all odds, their eyes met across the abyss for the briefest of moments. It was too fast for Jim to even begin to register John's expression upon seeing him. He had no idea if the other man was shocked to see him or if John felt the slightest bit of remorse for firing on a room full of innocent people with Jim inside, if he'd even known Jim was there in the first place. If it would have stopped him if he did.  
  
One instant John was there, and the next he was gone. The jump ship cockpit was empty as it plummeted to the ground below in a ball of fire. Was Jim a horrible person to feel the smallest bit of relief that John hadn't been inside the jump ship when it had crashed? A numb feeling washed over him, and it was almost a blessing as he slowly turned and started back to the destroyed conference room. It lasted only as long as it took for him to see Spock crouching over the body of Admiral Pike. The crushing grief that slammed into Jim nearly brought the young man to his knees as he stumbled over to the fallen man and felt desperately for a pulse he knew would not be there.  
  
Pike was dead, a man Jim thought of as a father. All these people were dead. The people killed when the archive exploded... killed by the man Jim loved... and it was all Jim's fault.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim sat in his living room. He had been there most of the night. The sun had come up hours ago. He hadn't watched it.  
  
He hated sunrises.  
  
Jim couldn't even remember how he'd gotten home. It was all a bit of a blur after Starfleet Security had shown up to take control of the situation. A lot of questions had been asked. Jim had no idea how he'd answered. Eventually he'd been dismissed. He thought he remembered Spock standing outside his apartment asking Jim if he was going to be all right. He wasn't sure if it was real, though. It all felt a little like a dream. Or a nightmare. Not real. How could it possibly be real?  
  
Pike was dead.  
  
Jim thought he should feel pain: grief so powerful it was like his heart was being cut out of his chest. He should have felt anger: boiling rage that makes it hard to hear, see, or even think. Instead he felt strangely...numb. Numb and so very cold. It felt like ice was running through his veins instead of blood, little shards sharp and slicing inside him with every beat of his heart.  
  
He hadn't felt this way since the day he had stood in Admiral Pike's office listening as the elder man told him the truth about John. A truth that Jim hadn't wanted to believe. John had lied to him, played with his affections, used him, and then tried to kill him. Jim had denied it right up until the point that jump ship had opened fire into a room of unarmed Starfleet officers, himself included. Now Pike was dead, by John's hand.  
  
Jim's hands clenched into fists. His knuckles white. His hands trembling.  
  
Had John known what he was going to do the last time Jim had seen him? Had he planned it, right here in Jim's living room? Staring out that very window that Jim refused to look out now because he could clearly see the high rise of Starfleet Headquarters and the still smoking remains of the Daystrom conference room. Had he gotten the idea while he was sitting in this very spot that Jim was sitting in now? While he was making love to Jim?  
  
Jim closed his eyes, breathing slowly and deeply through his nose, trying to fight the rising nausea in his throat.  
  
No.  Not love.  It had never been that. Fucked him. That's all John had ever done, fucked him, literally and figuratively. John didn't love him. Jim had been a fool to believe anything John had told him and good men and women were dead because of it. Because of Jim. If it had been anyone else, a stranger, hell, they _were_ practically strangers, though somehow Jim had convinced himself otherwise, he never would have done what John asked when he showed up inside Jim's apartment. But Jim had been so...desperate...to please the man. To prove to John that the man could trust him. He hadn't called Starfleet Medical or Starfleet Security, when that should have been the first things he did.  
  
_"You think the rules don't apply to you because you disagree with them."_  
  
Jim's eyes flew open and his hissed in a sharp breath, nearly choking on it. He could almost hear Pike's accusing words echoing in his ears.  
  
_"You don't comply with the rules. You don't take responsibility for **anything**. And you don't respect the chair. You know why? Because you're not ready for it."_  
  
Maybe Pike was right. If Jim had only followed the rules, done what he was supposed to do instead of what he thought was right, John Harrison would be in custody, Christopher Pike and so many others would still be alive.  
  
The beeping of his communicator drew his attention and Jim took the call.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Spock's voice was a welcome one.  
  
_"Commander, Mr. Scott has found something in the wreckage of Harrison's ship. He has asked to see us right away."_  
  
Jim hoped this meant what he thought it did. That they finally had a lead on where John had gone. It was past time Jim started taking responsibility for what he's done.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Admiral, sir, he's not on Earth. He's on Kronos, sir. I request my command be reinstated and your permission to go after him." Jim was nearly out of breath from running all the way as soon as he'd learned where John had escaped to. The one place we just can't go, Scotty had said. Well, fuck that. If John thought he could escape by running to the Klingon homeworld, he obviously didn't know Jim Kirk as well as he thought he did. Jim would chase the bastard to the ends of the universe in order to see him pay for what he'd done.  
  
It was the only way Jim could clean the blood from his hands.  
  
Admiral Marcus didn't even question him, or how he'd found out where Harrison had gone. Simply excused himself to speak with Jim and Spock privately.  
  
"Kronos."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"So Harrison's gone to the Klingon homeworld. Is he defecting?"  
  
"We're not sure, sir."  
  
"He has taken refuge in the Ketha Province, a region uninhabited for decades," Spock interjected.  
  
"He's gotta be hiding there, sir!" Jim interrupted, earning him a look from Spock which he pointedly ignored. "He knows if we even go near Klingon space, it'd be all-out war. Starfleet can't go after him, but I can. Please, sir."  
  
Jim knew he was practically begging, but he didn't care. Marcus was one of the few left who knew about Jim and John's shared past. The man had every reason to lock Jim up and court-martial him for letting John get away once already. Marcus also knew Jim had more motivation than most to want to run the bastard down. The admiral was all too aware the mistakes that Jim had made and the blood on his hands because of it.  
  
_Please. Please give me the chance to make this right._  
  
"All-out war with the Klingons is inevitable, Mr. Kirk. If you ask me it's already begun. Since we first learned of their existence, the Klingon Empire has conquered and occupied two planets that we know of and fired on our ships half-a-dozen times. They are coming our way."  
  
Jim listened intently as Marcus spoke, but his heart began to sink. What did the admiral mean? Was he saying that it was too dangerous to risk sending anyone after Harrison? Or was he saying it was so close to all-out war, that it didn't matter whether they did or not?  
  
"London was not an archive. It was a top-secret branch of Starfleet designated Section 31. They were developing defense technology and training our officers to gather intelligence on the Klingons and any other potential enemy who means to do us harm. Harrison was one of our top agents."  
  
"Well, now he's a fugitive and I want to take him out," Jim stated firmly and wondered briefly what he would do if the admiral _did_ refuse to let him go after John. Would he go anyway?  
  
"Pike always said you were one of our best and brightest. You should have heard him defend you."  
  
Jim's heart twisted.  
  
"He's the one who talked you into joining Starfleet, wasn't he?" The admiral asked. Jim swallowed hard, barley able to force the words out of his throat it felt so tight.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Did he ever tell you who talked him into joining?" As understanding dawned on Jim, the knife in his heart twisted a little more. Maybe Marcus did appreciate what Jim was asking. He had just as much reason to want Harrison punished as Jim did.  
  
"His death is on me. And yours can't be."  
  
Jim felt as though the knife in his heart had suddenly ripped a hole right through his chest.  
  
"Sir, please. All I..." Jim began to protest, but the admiral cut him off.  
  
"Mr. Spock, you said the province where Harrison is hiding is uninhabited?"  
  
"Affirmative, sir."  
  
"As part of our defensive strategy, 31 developed a new photon torpedo. Long-range and untraceable; it would be invisible to Klingon sensors. I don't want you hurt, but I want to take him out. You park on the edge of the Neutral Zone, you lock onto Harrison's position, you fire, you kill him, and you haul ass."  
  
Jim blinked in surprise. Some of the ice inside of his veins began to thaw, the numbness suddenly replaced by burning adrenaline as his heart sped up in his chest. Kill him. Marcus wanted Jim to kill John. Was that what Jim wanted? John dead? Maybe... It was certainly what John deserved after everything he had done. But could Jim really do it? Could he be the one to kill John?  
  
Remembering Christopher Pike's dead eyes staring up at him, rage burned hot and bright inside of Jim's chest.  
  
Yes. Yes he could.  
  
"Permission to reinstate Mr. Spock as my first officer," Jim requested, and if Marcus was surprised by Jim's easy agreement to hunt down and kill his former lover, then he didn't show it.  
  
"Granted."  
  


* * *

  
  
Preparations to leave Earth went quickly. Marcus had given Jim whatever resources he needed to make sure the _Enterprise_ was ready to depart as soon as possible. Jim hadn't stopped once to rest. Partly because he was too busy making sure everything would be ready, and partly because Jim knew if he took the time to stop even for a moment he might just break down and never be able to pull the pieces of himself back together again.  
  
He kept seeing Pike's face, smeared with grime and dirt, his eyes open wide and unblinking, a huge hole burned in the center of his chest. Sometimes when Jim closed his eyes, it wasn't Pike lying there but John, his body burned black and disfigured, his face barely recognisable as human, much less the sharp handsome features Jim knew, but his eyes... Jim always recognised his eyes, that seemingly impossible shade of blue and green, wide and staring at Jim accusingly.  
  
The first time it had happened, Jim had barely made it to a restroom before he vomited, even though there was nothing in his stomach but acid and bile. He was glad he hadn't eaten for a while. Remembering how John had once had him on his knees, sucking his cock, in a restroom not so different, had Jim throwing up all over again. That was when Jim decided never to close his eyes again. At least not until John was dead and Jim could finally put his ghosts to rest.  
  
Hopefully that wouldn't be much longer. Most of the supplies and crew were now aboard the _Enterprise_. She would be ready for launch as soon as a few more crew members, including himself, took the shuttles up. He was still pale and a little bit shaky, but he was on his way to one of the shuttles now.  
  
"Jim!"  
  
Jim groaned inwardly. He had been avoiding Bones like the plague, ever since it had happened. The man knew better than anyone the history between John and himself, and Jim just... He just couldn't...  
  
He didn't even stop walking when his friend caught up with him.  
  
"Where were you?"  
  
"For what?" Jim tried to answer nonchalantly, pretending he had no idea what Bones was talking about. They both knew it was utter bullshit but he didn't care. Jim refused to look at his friend.  
  
"Your medical exam. Ten hours ago, you were in a damn firefight. Now it's my duty as ship's..."  
  
"I'm fine, Bones," Jim cut him off, only to have Bones grab him and force the younger man to look at him.  
  
"The hell you are." Bones practically growled at him, and Jim couldn't meet his gaze. Bones was right. Jim wasn't fine. He probably hadn't been fine for a long time, not since he'd met John, and he wouldn't be all right for a long time to come. But Jim didn't have the luxury of breaking down. Not now.  
  
"I'm fine," he managed to force out again. Jim was a bit surprised just how steady his voice was. He didn't believe it. The doctor didn't believe it. But at least Bones didn't try to stop him when he walked away to board the shuttle. As soon as the Ketha Province was a smouldering crater, hopefully with John Harrison right in the middle of it, Jim could finally forget the man had ever existed. Maybe then Jim would finally feel clean again.  
  
"Status report, Mr. Spock," Jim requested when he saw his first officer on the shuttle, hoping to have something else to focus on for a while.  
  
"The _Enterprise_ should be ready for launch by the time we arrive."  
  
"Good. Good." Jim just wanted this over with as soon as possible.  
  
"Captain. Thank you for requesting my reinstatement." Spock's words made a little smile pull at Jim's lips in spite of everything.  
  
"You're welcome." Maybe, after everything, it was a good sign that their relationship wasn't so fucked up after Nibiru. Jim still thought of the half-Vulcan as a good friend, even if Spock didn't return the sentiment.  Jim heard Bones activate the tricorder from the seat behind him and sighed to himself, but he didn't protest. If it would make Bones feel better...  
  
"As I am again your first officer, it is now my duty to strongly object to our mission parameters." Unfortunately what little warmth that had blossomed in his chest immediately flickered out. Jim suddenly wished he'd chosen a different shuttle.  
  
"Of course it is."  
  
"There is no Starfleet regulation that condemns a man to die without a trial, something you and Admiral Marcus are forgetting." Spock continued and Jim felt his heart rate speed up, something  he knew Bones was probably taking note of it in the seat behind him. Of course he hadn't forgotten that. Who did Spock think he was? Did the Vulcan think this was easy for him? In any way? He was doing what he had to do! Harrison deserved to die for what he'd done, to Pike...and to him...trial or no...  
  
"Also, pre-emptively firing torpedoes at the Klingon homeworld goes against..."  
  
"You yourself said the area's uninhabited. There's only going to be one casualty," Jim interrupted him. The image of John's burned remains flashed before his mind's eye again, but Jim pushed it away. It wasn't like John would even look like that if he were caught in the torpedoes blast range; most likely he would be completely incinerated. Jim felt his stomach clench dangerously again, and he forced himself to continue as though it didn't matter to him. "And in case you weren't listening, our orders have nothing to do with Starfleet regulation."  
  
It _didn't_ matter to him.  
  
"Wait a minute. We're firing torpedoes at the Klingons?" Bones interjected, and Jim just knew the older man was going to say more, but thankfully Spock cut him off before he could.  
  
"Regulations aside, this action is morally wrong."  
  
"Regulations aside, pulling your ass out of a volcano was morally right. And I didn't win any points for that," Jim snapped back. His chest felt tight. He was having trouble breathing...  
  
"Whoa, Jim, calm down." God damn, Bones and his gadgets. He couldn't deal with this right now!  
  
"I'm not gonna take ethics lessons from a robot!" If Spock had any idea what John had done to him, how the man had betrayed him, he wouldn't be saying all this to him. Or maybe he would. Jim didn't know. He didn't care.  
  
"Reverting to name-calling suggests that you are defensive and therefore find my opinion valid."  
  
"I wasn't asking for your opinion," Jim practically growled when Bones pressed the medical sensor to his face. "Bones, get that thing off my face."  
  
"Captain, our mission could start a war with the Klingons and it is, by its very definition, immoral. Perhaps you should take the requisite time to arrive at this conclusion for yourself."  
  
Jim had never been so glad for a conversation to be interrupted, and barely managed to pull on his usual facade of charm in order to greet his new crew member. It was a lie, like almost everything he felt was lately. But what else could he do? He had to keep it together. For his crew, and for himself.  
  
It would all be over soon anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

This day was just getting better and better, Jim thought bitterly.  
  
As if he didn't have enough to deal with right now, Spock was questioning his orders. Which, admittedly, wasn't all that out of the ordinary. Spock was always questioning him when it came to regulations or behaviors that the half-Vulcan deemed illogical. But calling Jim immoral and basically accusing him of...murder...was going a step too far.  
  
_He_ wasn't the god-damned murderer. _He_ wasn't the traitor. John Harrison was. How could Spock say that to him? Spock had been there! He had been sitting right across from Jim when the jump ship started firing into the conference room. Spock had watched admiral Pike die. There was no doubt that Harrison was guilty. He'd murdered those people in that conference room in cold blood, and he'd murdered those people at the London archive. There was no telling just how many people Harrison had killed, and Spock called him immoral? Just because Jim was trying to do something to make up for his horrible mistake?  
  
He should have let John bleed to death on the floor in his apartment...  
  
Then there was Bones hounding him. Jim knew the doctor probably thought he was unstable. Jim was not all right. Not physically, according to whatever scans that Bones had managed to take of him in the shuttle. Probably not mentally either, though who could really blame him? But Bones hadn't pushed the matter. As chief medical officer, the doctor could easily have Jim declared unfit for active duty, kept Jim grounded on Earth while someone else went after John Harrison, admiral's direct orders or not. Any other man, Bones definitely would have by now. Maybe the reason he hadn't was because Bones knew the only way to accomplish that would have been to have security drag Jim off his own ship, kicking and screaming, and the doctor wasn't prepared to do that to him. Not yet anyway. But Jim couldn't let himself feel guilty for abusing his friend's loyalty. Jim had to see this through. There was no other option for him.  
  
But now Scotty had quit and... How had everything fallen apart so quickly? It had been less than twelve hours, and it felt like Jim's entire world was crumbling into a black hole. He was trapped in the event horizon, no hope to pull away now, spinning helplessly down into the crushing black gravity well. Only able to watch as everything he knew was torn apart ruthlessly and sucked away forever into nothingness.  
  
What would be left when...if...he came out on the other side?  
  
Had he done the wrong thing, letting Scotty resign like that? Probably... But the man hadn't left him much choice.  
  
_"We have our orders, Scotty."_  
  
_"That's what scares me."_  
  
Jim needed those torpedoes.  
  
_"This is clearly a military operation. Is that what we are now? 'Cause I thought we were explorers."_  
  
Needed them to kill John Harrison...  
  
_"Jim, for the love of God, do not use those torpedoes."_  
  
Jim's stomach cramped painfully and he was glad no one seemed to be paying much attention to him as he made his way quickly to his quarters to change out of his gray uniform. The same gray uniform he had worn the night he and John had first met in that bar, Jim suddenly realised, as he was preparing to hang the top up in his closet. Instead, he ended up dropping the material as though it had burned him. He wondered if anyone would raise any questions if he sent it to the incinerator.  
  
Probably.  
  
Jim left the uniform lying on the floor as he dressed in his standard gold shirt and trousers, then quickly left his quarters to make his final rounds around the ship making sure everything was in order before they departed. He was on his way, finally, to the bridge when Lieutenant Uhura caught up with him.  
  
"Captain. I'm so sorry about Admiral Pike."  
  
Jim barely restrained the urge to flinch at the sound of the older man's name, and wondered if it would be like that from now on.  
  
"We all are," he managed, though he was unable to look the young woman in the eye when he said it.  
  
"Are you okay?" She persisted and Jim almost groaned aloud. He really wished people would stop asking him that. Because maybe, just once, he'd break and give a truthful answer and it wasn't going to be pretty.  
  
"Fine, thank you, Lieutenant," he lied professionally.  
  
They entered the turbolift together and he thought that would be the end of their discussion, such as it was. He surprised himself by speaking.  
  
"Actually, Scotty just quit," Jim admitted, not really sure why he was confiding in Uhura as they had never really been all that close. Maybe that was the reason, they weren't really friends, and he knew she wasn't going to ask him about more than he wanted to reveal. "And your boyfriend's second-guessing me every chance he gets." All right, he knew that was more-than-a-little inappropriate, and quickly apologised. "It's just sometimes I want to rip the bangs off his head."  
  
Jim sighed to himself. That was definitely childish. Spock second-guessing him and their strained friendship wasn't even the worst part about all of this, by far. But it wasn't making any of this any easier. If Spock would just trust him and have his back... Instead Jim felt...alone. Maybe if Spock knew why... But that wasn't going to happen; Jim could never tell the Vulcan why he was so ready to carry out Admiral Marcus' plan, immoral or not.  
  
All of this was his fault.  
  
"You know, maybe it's me. I..."  
  
"It's not you."  
  
"It's not?" Jim was surprised by the interruption but grateful for it, because in his rambling he'd been about to reveal something he really had no intention of doing. He would have to be more careful. He looked at Uhura but the young woman wasn't looking at him, and realisation suddenly dawned on Jim. "Wait, are you guys... Are you guys fighting?"  
  
At least he wasn't the only one with relationship problems, a slightly hysterical voice piped up inside Jim's head.  
  
"I'd rather not talk about it, sir."  
  
"Oh, my god! What is that even like?"  
  
He bet Uhura's and Spock's lovers' spat was nothing compared to Jim's... He quickly cut off that line of thought, knowing it was more-than-a-little insane. Thankfully the turbolift doors opened and they were interrupted before Jim could really take that plunge down that rabbit hole. He wasn't sure he'd be able to crawl out again if he did.  
  
At least once he was sitting in his captain's chair he somehow felt a lot more stable. His chair. Pike's chair. All right, maybe he'd spoken too soon.  
  
_"You don't respect the chair. You know why? Because you're not ready for it."_  
  
Jim's jaw clenched. He would prove that he was ready for it. Pike had put his faith in Jim, even though he didn't deserve it. Even though Jim's mistakes had ended up getting him killed. He was not going to make the same mistakes again.  
  
"Retract all moorings, Mr. Sulu."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
As the Lieutenant effortlessly began to pilot the _Enterprise_ away from the space station she was currently docked at, Jim requested that Uhura open a ship-wide channel so he could address his crew. Once they had successfully attained warp and his communications officer confirmed the channel was open, Jim began to speak.  
  
"Attention, crew of the _Enterprise_. As most of you know, Christopher Pike, former captain of this ship and our friend...is dead." Jim was a little surprised he'd only managed the last bit of that with a slight hesitation. Swallowing hard, he continued. "The man who killed him has fled our system and is hiding on the Klingon homeworld, somewhere he believes we are unwilling to go. We are on our way there now."  
  
To kill him...  
  
"Per Admiral Marcus, it is essential that our presence go undetected. Tensions between the Federation and the Klingon Empire have been high. Any provocation could lead to an all-out war."  
  
Jim could practically feel Spock's eyes burning into the back of his skull. Judging him. His first officer's words on the shuttle echoed loudly in his head no matter how he tried to silence them. Admiral Pike's dead eyes flashed before Jim's mind's eye. Wide. Pleading. Followed quickly by the image his mind had conjured of John's body, burned and blackened and nearly unrecognisable. His eyes staring at Jim angry and accusing. He owed that bastard nothing! Nothing! After everything Harrison had done, he deserved to die. He deserved it! There was something ugly twisting inside of Jim's chest. Black and sick and bursting to get out. He imagined the look on Spock's face when he said the words. They were going to execute John Harrison. How gratifying it would be. No one would question him. He was the captain, after all. It would finally be over...

Jim began to realise just how long he had been silent. He could feel the eyes of his entire bridge crew on him. Waiting. He knew Spock was still watching him intently. He turned to look at his first officer. Their eyes met. And suddenly...imagining the look on Spock's face was no longer gratifying. It was horrifying. Knowing that Spock would probably never look at him the same way again. With trust. Respect. Not if he did this... Not if he became like Harrison...  
  
The ugly thing in his chest curled up, retreated deep into his belly. The monstrous revenge he wanted so desperately to set free growled angrily, but was restrained for now. Jim took a deep breath and made a decision.  
  
"I will personally lead a landing party to an abandoned city on the surface of Kronos, where we will capture the fugitive, John Harrison, and return him to Earth so he can face judgement for his actions." He tried, but failed, to keep all of his frustration from slipping into his words. But it was done. Like it or not, he was going to be forced to see John again. Face to face. "All right. Let's go get this son-of-a-bitch. Kirk out."  
  
Still a little stunned by his decision, Jim wasn't prepared for Spock's sudden presence at his side. He startled a little when Spock started speaking.  
  
"Captain, I believe you have made the right decision." His first officer's words were genuine, but Jim was still feeling a little too numb to decide if they were comforting or not. He certainly wasn't sure he'd made the right decision but... That darkness inside Jim scared him. What he had been prepared to do...  
  
"If I can be of assistance, I would be happy to accompany you on the away team."  
  
Jim looked up and was surprised he was able to look into Spock's eyes so easily. Ever since this had begun, he'd been having trouble meeting anyone's eyes for very long. He'd been too ashamed. Too ashamed of what he had done. Too ashamed of what he was going to do...  
  
"You? Happy?" He managed to joke weakly, if only because Spock was probably expecting it.  
  
"I was simply attempting to use your vernacular to convey an idea," Spock replied, and Jim was able to give the half-Vulcan a smile that was surprisingly genuine.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Spock."  
  
For more than you know.  
  


* * *

  
  
What the hell else could go wrong?  
  
His chief engineer quits, and the warp core breaks down. What were the chances? Jim wondered briefly if this was karma kicking him in the nuts. It wasn't that Jim didn't have faith in Chekov's abilities, the young man was brilliant, but he wasn't Scotty. He could only pray that the young man could handle things in engineering and get them back up and running soon.  
  
Being stranded in Klingon space was not Jim's idea of a good time.  
  
If there wasn't enough of a crisis going on, Bones had found his way to the bridge sometime after Jim had made his ship-wide announcement. There was no other word for it, the doctor had been hovering. Probably hoping to catch Jim alone so he could talk to him. Jim had pointedly made himself too busy to talk with his friend.  
  
He knew exactly what Bones wanted to talk to him about, and Jim didn't want to talk about it. Bones probably thought it was a stupid idea for him to go down to Kronos and confront Harrison. The doctor was probably right. Jim was far from...rational...when it came to John. But Jim had made up his mind. He wasn't going to sit up here cowering on his ship while someone else apprehended the man. He was going to be the one to bring John in.  
  
Bones had a lot more self-control than Jim usually gave him credit for. He waited until Jim had confirmed his plan to take the shuttle down to Kronos before finally challenging him.  
  
"Jim, you're not actually going down there, are you? You don't rob a bank when the getaway car has a flat tire," the doctor hissed at him quietly. Again, Jim could tell that his friend wanted to say more, but Bones was being discrete since they still weren't alone. Jim was grateful for the concern, but he didn't need it.  
  
"I'm sure engineering will have us all patched up by the time we get back. Isn't that right, Mr. Chekov?" Speaking to his new chief engineer more than Bones, it was all the answer he gave, effectively dismissing the doctor's concerns.  
  
The look that Bones shot him was not happy, but Jim ignored that too. He turned his back on the older man and addressed Sulu.  
  
"Mr. Sulu, you have the conn. Once we're en route, I want you to transmit a targeted comm burst to Harrison's location. You tell him you have a bunch of real big torpedoes pointed at his head and if he doesn't play nice, you're not afraid to use them."  
  
Jim wasn't even sure if the ruse would work. John knew enough about Jim to have gotten inside his apartment after all. Even though they had never specifically discussed Jim's captaincy, surely the man knew that his ship was the _Enterprise_. Then again, there was no way for Harrison to know the outcome of what had happened after the Daystrom Conference. John had seen him, Jim was sure of it, so the man knew that Jim hadn't died. But he couldn't know what might have happened to Jim afterwards. For all John knew, Jim could have been arrested for his previous affiliation with John. Anything to throw Harrison off could give them the advantage.  
  
"Is that a problem?" Jim asked in response to Sulu's unsure expression.  
  
"No, sir. I've just never sat in the chair before."  
  
"You're gonna do great." Jim offered the man a reassuring smile.  
  
"Jim! Wait!" Apparently Bones wasn't ready to concede defeat so easily after all. Jim turned to look at his chief medical officer with a resigned sigh. "You just sat that man down at a high-stakes poker game with no cards and told him to bluff. Now Sulu's a good man, but he is no captain."  
  
"For the next two hours, he is. And enough with the metaphors, all right? That's an order," Jim replied, not bothering to hide his irritation this time. "Mr. Sulu, make sure that K'normian ship is ready to fly."  
  
Jim headed for the turbolift, only to have Bones chase after him. Unfortunately the doctor managed to follow him inside before the doors could shut, trapping the two of them together alone in spite of Jim's wishes. Bones further prevented his escape by hitting the emergency stop of the lift earning him a dark glare from Jim which the doctor completely ignored.  
  
"What the fuck do you think you are doing, Jim?!" Bones yelled at him, not bothering to keep his voice down anymore now that they were alone.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Bones sputtered a little, his face taking on a red shade that probably wasn't very healthy for his blood pressure.  
  
"What do I mean?! I mean you going after John Harrison! The man you..."  
  
"Don't fucking say it, Bones!" Jim yelled back, a note of hysteria in his tone, cutting the man off before he could put it into words. Jim just couldn't hear it. Bones was the only one who knew exactly what John had meant to him, and he couldn't hear it aloud. It would break him.  
  
"That's exactly my point, kid. You're not thinking about this rationally. You never did when it came to him," Bones continued, his voice softer now, concerned, but still firm. "I know what he did to you. I know it messed you up bad, Jim. You almost had a god-damned panic attack on the shuttle. You don't need to do this."  
  
"Yes I do!" Jim shouted back. He clenched his hands at his side to stop them from shaking. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yes, I do," he repeated with forced calm.  
  
"Jim..."  
  
"I'm going down there. You can't stop me," Jim said evenly.  
  
"Yes, I can," his chief medical officer reminded him in a growl. The two men stared at each other for a long moment, neither of them backing down. But if Bones had truly been determined to stop him, he never would have allowed Jim to get on the _Enterprise_ in the first place. They both knew it.  
  
"You won't," Jim finally said what they both knew, reaching past Bones to reactivate the lift.  
  
"Jim, please..." Bones tried again, reaching out to put a hand on Jim's shoulder, which the younger man immediately shrugged off. The turbolift reached its destination and Jim left it without a look back. Bones didn't follow him this time.


	4. Chapter 4

Spock and Uhura's lovers spat in the cramped shuttle had left Jim feeling uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Never mind that they had bigger things to worry about right now. But of course when he'd tried to put a stop to it, he'd been completely ignored.  
  
"What never seems to require your undivided focus... I'm sorry, Captain, just two seconds..."  
  
"Okay..." He muttered, resigned. So much for his authority as captain.  
  
"...is us. At that volcano, you didn't give a thought to us. What it would do to me if you died, Spock. You didn't feel anything. You didn't care." Frankly, Uhura's accusing the half-Vulcan for not caring about her and their relationship had irritated Jim more than a little. Especially when she had tried to drag him into it.  
  
He supposed he could understand her perspective, to a point. And, yes, Jim was still a bit peeved with his first officer, but for very different reasons. He was angry at Spock for disregarding his own life in favor of some stupid regulation. Knowing now that Bones was probably right, Spock probably would have let Jim die if their places were reversed. He was angry that Spock had almost ruined Jim's career, choosing to follow regulations and submitting that report to Starfleet command about what happened on Nibiru, stabbing Jim in the back in the process. Jim was angry and hurt that their friendship wasn't as strong as he had thought it was, at least on Spock's side. But, really, that was Jim's issue and no one else's.  
  
But what did Uhura have to complain about? What had Spock truly done to make her question their relationship? She should try having her lover choke her unconscious and then shoot at her. Maybe then she would have something to grumble about.  
  
And that thought just made Jim feel like a complete and utter bastard. Spock and Uhura were his friends, more-or-less. He shouldn't be thinking such terrible things about them. He also probably shouldn't be giving Bones such a hard time. The doctor was only trying to look out for him after all.  
  
But if their little squabble hadn't made the small space oppressive and uncomfortable enough for Jim, Spock describing what he had felt during a mind meld with Pike while the man was dying certainly did the trick.  
  
"Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Fear." It was like Spock's words had punched a hole through Jim's ribcage and an unforgiving hand squeezed his heart tight, making it hard to breathe. His hands shook where they gripped the controls flying the shuttle.  
  
Jim had been feeling all of those things as well. From the moment he realised just how much John had betrayed him.  
  
It felt like dying...  
  
As much as Jim hated himself for it, he was actually kind of glad when the Klingons started shooting at them. The sudden rush of adrenaline surging through his veins burned away any thoughts other than survival as they flew for their lives to escape the Klingon patrol. Though he began to have second thoughts about his opinion when they were finally cornered and they had no other choice but to land or be shot out of the sky.  
  
Jim hadn't wanted to let Uhura go out there. Especially not alone to face an entire squad of Klingons by herself, but what other choice did they have? If anyone else tried to follow, the Klingons would surely take it as a sign of aggression and kill them all before the young woman had the chance to utter a word.  
  
Then again, what were the chances that the Klingons would actually listen to reason? None, apparently as Uhura was suddenly grabbed by the neck by one of the brutes. But before Jim could give any kind of order, the Klingons were suddenly being fired upon.  
  
Not about to waste the distraction, no matter the source, Jim ran out of the shuttle firing his phaser at the Klingons. Jim didn't stop to think. Didn't allow himself to. His only thought was to fight. To protect his crew. To survive. He didn't allow himself to consider the implications of just who their 'savior' might be.  
  
The Klingons were being cut down left and right. Out of the corner of his eye Jim saw one of the Klingon ships take a direct hit, spinning out of control as it crashed. Jim ran for cover but was confronted by a Klingon wielding some kind of bladed weapon that knocked Jim's phaser out of his hand. He barely managed to avoid getting skewered by the weapon several times before he could finally dive for his phaser and shoot his attacker.  
  
Jim stumbled back to his feet and rounded a corner in the ruins, finally getting a clear view of the man wielding two huge laser rifles in each hand, weapons which would normally take more than one man to operate! He had a clear shot... Jim hesitated... A second later he was being tackled by another Klingon. As the huge alien started to beat the shit out of him, more Klingons arrived from more ships that must have been called in as back-up. But the Klingons were mostly ignoring Jim and his crew in favor of the greater threat.  
  
Jim finally managed to shoot the Klingon attacking him, only to be knocked down by another. Having already taken several blows by much stronger opponents, Jim was beginning to tire. He wasn't quick enough to completely avoid the kick to his stomach. Another Klingon kicked the phaser out of his hand while he was on the ground, and the first planted a booted foot on his neck, ready to shoot Jim in the head with his rifle.  
  
There was nothing he could do... He was going to die...  
  
But he didn't die. The pressure on his neck was suddenly gone and what was left of the Klingon's body, blown completely in half, fell to the ground beside him. Almost too stunned to believe he was still alive, Jim could only stare at the smoking remains for a moment before he rolled over. The pain in his gut prevented further movement as he stared, open mouthed, at the man who had...saved him. He didn't have to guess anymore at who it was. He knew.  
  
He knew...  
  
He just didn't understand...  
  
Uhura and Spock were suddenly there, hauling him up and dragging him back into cover as John Harrison continued, practically effortlessly, to eliminate the Klingon patrol. Every single shot from the man's weapons hit its mark with deadly accuracy. The Klingon ships fell from the sky like swatted flies. The Klingons themselves fell as easily around the man as insects being crushed under a boot. All Jim could do was watch, slack-jawed and mesmerized.  
  
_"You were fearless. Savage. A rare trait in this time."_  
  
Was this how John had had seen him that night in the bar? Was this anything close to what John had felt watching Jim fight?  
  
_"You are a warrior."_  
  
He was unstoppable. He moved with a strength, speed, and grace that was simply impossible. He was death personified. He was terrifying. He was the most beautiful thing that Jim had ever seen in his life. John's eyes locked with his across the field of battle and Jim forgot how to breathe.  
  
Jim watched John leap from the ledge where he'd been firing down on the Klingons, he seemed to hang in the air impossibly high before he finally landed on the ground to take on the remaining Klingons in hand-to-hand combat. If Jim had thought what he'd seen already was impressive it was nothing compared to watching John cut down the rest of the vicious aliens with nothing more than his fists and a knife.  
  
John stalked over to where Jim and his crew were huddled with what looked like a single-minded purpose, pausing only a fraction of a moment to take a rifle from one of the Klingons. Jim felt his heart freeze in his chest when John suddenly pointed the weapon at them and reality crashed in around Jim like an avalanche. How could he have possibly forgotten, even for a moment, why they were here? And exactly who the man was who had just 'saved' them...  
  
"Stand down." Jim saw Spock rise and aim his own rifle at John. At least one of them still had their sense of self-preservation intact. Jim felt paralyzed, barely able to draw breath into his aching lungs. His pounding heart was loud, even in the howling wind.  
  
"How many torpedoes?" John was looking into Jim's eyes when he spoke, but Jim could barely hear him.  
  
"Stand down!" Spock repeated, and John fired at the Vulcan. Jim's mind screamed and panic choked him mute. He was so certain the next thing he was going to see was Spock's lifeless body fall to its knees with a hole burned through the center of his chest, it was almost surreal that did not happen. Spock's rifle flew out of the Vulcan's hands instead, and Jim felt a moment of insane relief that at least he was not the only one wearing a stupid stunned expression when it happened.  
  
"The torpedoes, the weapons you threatened me with in your message. How many are there?!" John was looking at Jim again as he demanded an answer and finally Jim felt something other than stunned shock. That sick black feeling in his stomach roiled and burned, rising up into his throat. Rage began to pump through his veins even hotter than adrenaline.  
  
The torpedoes? That's all John cared about right now? After everything...? All he was concerned with was those damned torpedoes! Jim seethed silently as he stared at the man. It was Spock who finally answered, looking between Jim and John in confusion.  
  
"Seventy-two."  
  
John's intense stare finally tore away from Jim to the Vulcan. He held Spock's gaze for a moment before looking back to Jim, as though seeking confirmation from him that Spock spoke the truth. Jim could only continue to glare at the other man. Unblinking. But whatever was in his eyes must have satisfied John because the man suddenly threw aside his weapon.  
  
"I surrender."  
  
Confusion flickered at the corners of Jim's consciousness, but he was still too overwhelmed by rage to feel much else. Boiling. Black. Vicious. It burned just underneath his skin like sticky tar, trapping him, making it impossible to see, think, or breathe. His heart was beating a furious rhythm against his ribs. His eyes never looked away from the other man as Jim slowly stood.  
  
"On behalf of Christopher Pike, my friend, I accept your surrender." He knew the words came from him, but they echoed like he was hearing them from far away. John stared at him. Uncomprehending. And that...that was what finally set the monster inside Jim free. Because John had no idea what he had done. What he had taken from Jim...  
  
It happened like it would in a dream. Jim felt like he was standing outside himself. Watching, while something else took control. He didn't really feel it when his knuckles connected with John's face the first time, it didn't feel real. The feeling was further compounded by the fact that though John staggered a little from the violent assault, he didn't seem to feel it either. Jim hit the man again and again. Jim felt his knuckles split. Felt blood dripping down his fingers, but it was only his own. There was not a mark left on John's face no matter how many times Jim hit him, unflinching in the fury of Jim's assault.  
  
Growling in rage, Jim punched John in his solar plexus as hard as he could. Something that should have sent any normal man to his knees gasping for air, had no effect. John only continued to stand there. Jim grabbed the back of John's neck and brought his knee up into his abdomen. Once. Twice. Still nothing. John merely watched Jim impassively as though he felt nothing. Nothing could touch him. Not even Jim's rage...  
  
Jim stumbled, exhausted by his own useless attack, but unwilling to give up. Not until he forced the man to feel something! Feel something of the pain that he had put Jim through... He grabbed a handful of John's hair, the strands still as soft and silken as Jim remembered, and that only enraged him more. He viciously punched the man's face over and over.  
  
Jim barely heard Uhura's scream. He stopped only when he nearly dropped to his knees in pain and exhaustion, panting hard. Somehow he found the will to force himself back to his feet, unwilling to give the bastard standing in front of him the satisfaction of seeing him fall. Jim slowly lifted his head and wasn't sure what he was expecting to find in John's eyes when he did, but the...hunger...longing...in the other man's gaze was enough to steal whatever breath was left in Jim's lungs.  
  
"Captain," John breathed, like he was surprised, but pleased by what had just happened.  
  
_"You were fearless. Savage..."_  
  
Jim stared at the other man for a long time, impotent rage clawing inside of him begging to be let loose once more. Urging him to keep hitting the man until John showed some signs of pain. Bruise him. Make him bleed. Make him suffer...  
  
_"You are a warrior."_  
  
No... Jim wouldn't give him the satisfaction.  
  
Swallowing down his pride and the anger inside of him that had not diminished even an ounce after his outburst, Jim forced himself to turn away from John. Turn away before he gave into the urge to take the weapon from Spock and do what he'd already decided he wouldn't do.  
  
He was not going to become a murderer. He was not going to become like John.  
  
"Cuff him," Jim ordered as he walked away back towards their shuttle. He didn't watch as the two lieutenants from security that had accompanied the landing party to Kronos led John to their ship and secured the man inside. Jim stared out over the ruined city. The bodies of dozens of Klingons littered the ground. The remains of the Klingon ships Harrison had shot down were still burning. There would be no way to hide what happened here. Jim could only hope to hide that Starfleet had been responsible for it.  
  
It took time to canvas the area, to make sure no evidence remained. Time they probably didn't have much of to begin with. If the patrol had managed to report back how they'd intercepted the K'normian ship, there could be more Klingons on the way at any minute. But even knowing that if their presence here could be tied to Starfleet war would be inevitable, Jim took that chance.  
  
Satisfied, Jim finally ordered his crew members back to the shuttle and contacted Sulu to let him know they were on their way back. As Jim boarded the shuttle, he avoided looking at their prisoner. He was determined to completely ignore the man's existence until they reached the _Enterprise_. At least, he had been until John spoke to him.  
  
"James..."  
  
The whisper was so quiet Jim might have imagined it entirely. Given Jim's state of mind, it certainly could have just been a figment of his imagination. It didn't matter. Jim's entire body stiffened and he reacted without thinking, whirling around and slamming his fist as hard as he could into John's face. The effect was no different from before, not even a red mark remained on John's cheek where Jim's knuckles connected, but at least it had shut the other man up.  
  
"Captain?" Spock's voice at his shoulder was questioning, maybe even concerned.  
  
"Get flight checks started, that's an order," Jim replied sharply. Spock didn't move away immediately, and Jim saw Spock looking between John and him from the corner of his eye. For all his claims not to understand human emotion, Spock could be too damned perceptive for his own good. Eventually the Vulcan left his side. John's eyes flickered to Spock briefly before he focused on Jim again, unblinking. Jim took a step closer to the man, only so he could drop his voice low enough so no one else could hear him.  
  
"Don't ever call me that again, you son-of-a-bitch. Ever!" Jim hissed through his teeth. A long tense moment passed between them when all Jim could hear was the loud pounding of his own heart. He wondered if John could hear it too.  
  
"As you wish, Captain," John finally answered with an unreadable expression, though his tone made Jim's skin flush and a shiver run down the younger man's spine in spite of himself. Jim tore his eyes away and stalked to the front of the ship. He sat in the pilot's seat and took off, focusing entirely on steering the small craft, and praying their departure from Kronos would be much less eventful than their arrival.  
  
He could feel John's gaze burning into him like a brand the entire trip back to the _Enterprise_.


	5. Chapter 5

They arrived at the _Enterprise_ without incident.  
  
Per Jim's instructions, a security detail had met them in the hangar bay to take charge of John Harrison and escort the man to the brig as soon as they'd landed. Jim refused to meet John's eyes as he was removed from the shuttle, and John hadn't looked back at him once as he was led away. Frowning, Jim followed behind the group at a good distance.  
  
He took the time to call Bones and ask the doctor to meet him at the brig. Jim had the entire shuttle ride back to the _Enterprise_ to think about what he had seen on Kronos and none of it sat well with him. Jim's own actions aside, the things he had seen John do... How could any man possibly be capable of such things?  
  
Jim had seen John hurt before. He had seen the man bruised and bloody. He'd seen burns, made from a fucking whip, if Jim still believed that. He wasn't sure anymore. John could have died on Jim's apartment floor from that puncture wound through his stomach. He knew the man wasn't invincible. But the way he had just stood there, taking Jim' strongest punches like it was nothing... There was not a single mark left on John's face, while Jim's own face and body were a mess of cuts and bruises from the Klingons. The fucking Klingons! John had ripped through them like...like nothing Jim had ever seen before. Klingons, who were by far stronger than any human should be.  
  
What the hell was John? Maybe Bones could give Jim some answers. Jim could admit he was a little nervous about the two men being in the same room together. Bones did have something of a temper and had always been pretty protective of Jim, whether Jim felt like he needed protecting or not. But Bones had kept Jim's secret this long, he had to trust that the doctor would continue to do so now.  
  
Though Jim had little doubt he was going to get his ear chewed off later on in private.  
  
Distracted, Jim only paused long enough to request that Uhura contact Starfleet command to let them know they had Harrison in custody before he continued to his quarters to shower and change prior to a visit to the brig. His gray Starfleet uniform was still in a pile on his floor and he refused to look at it as he stripped off his soiled clothing, hissing softly between his teeth as the movement pulled at several bruises along his chest and back. He let the dirty clothes drop on the floor, not really caring where they ended up, as he stumbled into the shower.  
  
It was a sonic, as was the necessity on board a large starship. Though Jim couldn't help longing for the feeling of hot water washing over his skin, easing some of the aches and pains in his muscles. The irony was not lost upon Jim: His bloody face. His bruised ribs and stomach. He had been in a similar state the first time he had met John. The first time they had...  
  
Jim closed his eyes, trying to push the memories away, but that only seemed to make them stronger. John's hands had been unforgiving on his skin, holding him tightly, uncaring of Jim's battered flesh. The man had left plenty of his own bruises on Jim that night as he pounded into him. Jim had felt sore for days after the conference ended.  
  
But even though John had been rough with him in some ways, in others he'd been gentle. Surprisingly so. He'd kissed Jim so thoroughly, uncaring of the blood on Jim's lips. He had licked along Jim's bruised flesh, as though he could make the darkening marks disappear that way. He'd spent a long time giving Jim pleasure and taking very little for himself at first. John had manhandled him, but hadn't really hurt him. Took his time preparing Jim. He had been...generous. And when John was finally inside of him...  
  
Jim made a sound halfway between a groan and a growl, shaking his head as though somehow that could dispel the memories torturing him. He was half hard and Jim glared down at his own body as though it had betrayed him. It was a betrayal! That he could still think these things, feel these things, for a man...for a murderer...who had killed one of the finest men Jim had ever met.  
  
Jim didn't think he had ever hated himself more. Bones was right. It was a mistake for him to have gone after Harrison. The man was like an addiction to Jim. Just one taste was all it had taken, and Jim was still paying the price for one night of stupidity after leaving the bar. He had been so blinded by what he had...thought he had seen in John. Blinded by how the man had made him feel. Jim could still remember how John had looked that night. Moving over him. Inside of him. Feral... Untamed...  
  
Dangerous...  
  
John had looked that way on Kronos too. Like something dangerous. A predator. He'd looked like a predator. Beautiful the way a wolf or a lion was beautiful, even during a hunt. A kill. You couldn't hate a wolf or a lion for killing. It was just a part of what they were.  
  
Jim bowed his head, his hands braced against the wall of the shower, shaking as a ragged sob tore its way out of his throat. He was hard now. So hard he hurt. He knew part of it was just the result of him finally coming down from his adrenaline high, endorphins caused from the stress of nearly dying. It was purely biological. He had absolutely no reason to be ashamed.  
  
He was ashamed. He felt like he was betraying the memory of Admiral Pike. He felt like he was betraying himself. Because it wasn't until he remembered how John had looked killing those Klingons so easily, and the man had enjoyed it. Jim had seen it in his eyes, and it was the memory of that wild look in John's eyes, the same look John had given him while they fucked, that had sent a surge of blood straight to his cock.  
  
Jim slammed his fist into the shower wall, a frustrated cry tearing from his throat he could only pray no one else heard. He hated the man. He hated him! How could he possibly think about the man that way anymore? How! After he'd watched John kill all those people in the conference room, after he'd watched him kill Pike, after he'd watched him rip through those Klingons like they were tissue paper!  
  
How could he have even done that?! Spock was strong. Being half-Vulcan, he was much stronger than a human. But even Spock couldn't have done that. How could one man possibly take out an entire squad of Klingons, not to mention their ships, single-handedly? He had always known that John was strong. But he'd never imagined... The man could pin Jim down so easily, hold him still as he fucked him deep and hard. Or pick him up, slam him against a door, and kiss him until Jim forgot his own name. Or manhandle him to his knees and fuck Jim's throat raw... Jim had loved that strength. Gotten off on it.  
  
An almost tortured groan escaped Jim's lips as his hand finally reached down to grasp his aching prick. The scabs on his knuckles had reopened when he hit the wall, and blood coated his fingers once more. It was the only lubrication he allowed himself as he began to jack himself off. Too hard. Too tightly. Almost as though he were punishing himself instead of pleasuring. Maybe he was.  
  
John had been the last one to touch him, the last one to kiss him, and he couldn't seem to help imagining the man's hands on him now. John had touched him practically everywhere with his hands and mouth. Jim remembered every mark on his body that John had made with his lips or fingers. He imagined he could feel every single one of them on his skin now. Like John had branded him...  
  
He would never be able to forget John's hands on him. Rough. Gentle. Holding. Claiming. The hands of a murderer... He could almost hear John's voice whispering in his ear.  
  
_"Touch your cock, James. Show me how you touch yourself when you're alone, wishing I was there with you."_  
  
When he came, the sound that tore from his throat was like that of a wounded animal. His legs gave out beneath him and he crumpled to his knees, tears streaming down his face.  
  


* * *

  
  
Jim finished his shower and dressed back in his standard gold uniform. At least he'd managed to compose himself during that time, enough to feel pretty pissed off at himself and embarrassed about his loss of control. He hid his inner turmoil behind a mask as he left his quarters. Bones would be waiting for him at the brig by now. Probably irritated at Jim for making him wait so long.  
  
Unsurprisingly, Spock was also waiting along with the doctor, in the hallway leading to the brig. Spock had obviously been filling the older man in about what had happened on Kronos. Bones looked at Jim concerned, but he didn't voice the questions he probably really wanted to ask Jim.  
  
"Why the hell did he surrender?" The doctor asked instead.  
  
"I don't know. But he just took out a squad of Klingons single-handedly and I want to know how," Jim answered. It was difficult to keep his voice even, and some of his tension bled into his words in spite of himself. Thankfully Bones didn't comment on it, but Jim could feel Spock's eyes on him again. The Vulcan was going to start asking questions soon, Jim just knew it, and he wasn't sure what he was going to tell his first officer when he did.  
  
"Sounds like we have a superman on board," Bones muttered, unimpressed. He definitely sounded a lot more composed than Jim was at the moment.  
  
"You tell me."  
  
They arrived at the brig where their single prisoner was locked alone behind a wall of corundum-silicate glass. Jim steeled himself, his expression hardening. He refused to show any of his inner turmoil on his face. He would not give Harrison the satisfaction of seeing him lose control again.  
  
John slowly paced in his cell, now dressed in a simple black Starfleet uniform. Jim wouldn't say he was relaxed, but he didn't look all that concerned to be locked in a giant fishbowl either. His eyes zeroed in on Jim immediately when the young man entered the brig, but his face remained set in stone. The doctor walked up to the barrier while Spock and Jim held back a little. Bones quickly made an opening in the malleable glass.  
  
"Put your arm through the hole," he ordered. "I'm gonna take a blood sample."  
  
John's eyes moved between the three men, calculating, but he did not say a word as he slowly approached the glass and rolled up his sleeve. He slipped his arm through the hole without protest, and Bones went to work. Jim was a bit surprised that the doctor didn't jab the man nearly as hard with the blood extractor as Bones probably would have liked. John didn't even flinch.  
  
Jim couldn't help but stare at John's hand. He felt the ghost of those fingers running over his skin. In the silence, his heart pounded like thunder in his ears. It was all Jim could do not to flinch when John suddenly broke the silence.  
  
"Why aren't we moving, Captain?" John asked, finally looking at Jim. If he had caught the way Jim had been staring at him, he didn't show it. There seemed to be no emotion at all in the man's face or voice.  
  
It reminded of Jim of that moment in the hallway at the conference in London, when John had pretended he hadn't known who Jim was, the day after they'd first fucked. Jim had been stupid. Why hadn't he just let the bastard walk away then? Was John doing it on purpose? Rubbing Jim's nose into his mistake? Well, if he was, he was going to be disappointed. Jim forced his own expression to remain cold, impassive. His jaw clenched a little as he refused to answer the question, but that was all.  
  
John wasn't done yet, apparently.  
  
"An unexpected malfunction, perhaps in your warp core, conveniently stranding you on the edge of Klingon space?"  
  
Jim refused to take the bait. Unfortunately Bones did.  
  
"How the hell do you know that?" The doctor asked, some of his distrust and anger towards the man finally slipping through his calm facade.  
  
"Bones," Jim warned, and thankfully the elder man got the message. The doctor said nothing else, instead concentrating on taking the blood he needed, but John continued.  
  
"I think you'd find my insight valuable, Captain." John's pale eyes burned into Jim like a laser. Jim stubbornly refused to look away until the doctor finished his task. Only then did he turn, dismissing John completely.  
  
"We good?"  
  
"Yeah." Bones confirmed.  
  
"Let me know what you find."  
  
With that, Bones headed back to the medbay, and Jim and Spock to the bridge. He had only managed to take a few steps before John's voice made Jim freeze in spite of himself.  
  
"Ignore me and you will get everyone on this ship killed."  
  
Jim felt both chilled and flushed at the same time. There was no way John could possibly have known that Admiral Pike had spoken similar words to Jim in his office after Nibiru. There was no way... But it didn't matter, the effect was the same. Jim's tenuous grip on his emotions began to unravel.  
  
"Captain, I believe he will only attempt to manipulate you. I would not recommend engaging the prisoner further." Spock's voice was calm, reasonable, and also concerned. It should have been a balm to Jim's frazzled nerves, and it was, to a point. But it wasn't enough to rein in the dark monster that had taken residence inside of Jim when this had all begun.  
  
"Give me a minute," Jim said, managing to hold onto his rage long enough for Spock to leave before Jim turned and stalked back towards Harrison's cell.  
  
"Let me explain what's happening here. You are a criminal. I watched you murder innocent men and women. I was authorised to end you! And the only reason why you are still alive is because I am allowing it. So shut your mouth." Jim all but growled at the man on the other side of the barrier.  
  
Knowing John, Jim hadn't really expected the man to suddenly cower in fear at his words, but the almost bored expression on the older man's face only fanned Jim's anger higher.  
  
"Oh, Captain, are you going to punch me again, over and over till your arm weakens? Clearly you want to, so tell me, why did you allow me to live?" John asked, his words taunting. What was he trying to do? Make a point? Was he calling Jim weak because of his feelings for the man? He didn't think it was even possible for John to hurt him more than he already had. He was wrong.  
  
Because John was right. Partly. Not completely. But enough to hurt him. Because Jim had been weak when it came to John... He still was apparently...  
  
"We all make mistakes," Jim finally managed to force out through his throat that was so tight it felt like he was choking to death. John had been the biggest mistake Jim had ever made in his life...  
  
"No. I surrendered to you because, despite your attempt to convince me otherwise, you seem to have a conscience, Mr. Kirk," John went on and Jim seethed internally. Conscience? Was that another way of calling Jim a blind idiot? Maybe, but Jim wasn't blind anymore, and he refused to let John manipulate him again.  
  
"If you did not, then it would be impossible for me to convince you of the truth." Truth? Jim almost scoffed at the word. John had never told him a single true thing...  
  
"Two, three, one, seven, four, six, one, one. Co-ordinates not far from Earth. If you want to know why I did what I did, go and take a look." John was taunting him. Playing with him. He had to be. Especially since the bastard knew the _Enterprise_ wasn't going anywhere for a while.  
  
No, John was just trying to manipulate him, again. He didn't care why John had done what he'd done. Maybe once Jim had cared...but not anymore.  
  
"Give me one reason why I should listen to you," Jim replied, if only to show how unimpressed he was by John's attempts. He fully expected John to give him some bullshit reply, bring up their shared past, and how John had once 'trusted' him so now it was Jim's turn. Did he really think Jim was that stupid?  
  
He...was not expecting the answer John gave.  
  
"I can give you seventy-two. And they're on board your ship, Captain. They have been all along."  
  
Understanding dawned on Jim and confusion quickly followed. The torpedoes? The ones that John was so concerned about on Kronos... What the hell did they have to do with...anything?  
  
"I suggest you open one up."


	6. Chapter 6

Jim left the brig feeling unsettled. He'd been anticipating that, though not quite for the reasons he had expected. Unfortunately had had no time to organize his thoughts before Spock, who had apparently been waiting to confront him as soon as he left the brig, fell into step beside Jim.  
  
"Captain, may we speak in private?" His first officer asked, polite as always, but Jim still inwardly cringed. Even though he knew this was coming sooner or later, he would have preferred later.  
  
"Of course, Mr. Spock," Jim forced himself to reply, and led them to a small empty conference room nearby. He walked to the table in the center of the room but didn't sit, and turned to face his first officer. Spock remained standing near the door, his hands folded behind his back, almost like he was intentionally blocking the exit. Jim wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but it made him feel even more nervous. Did Spock think he was going to make a run for it?  
  
"Captain, what was your prior relationship with John Harrison?"  
  
"Jesus Christ, Spock," Jim sputtered, his eyes wide in surprise as he stared at his first officer. He hadn't thought Spock was going to be quite so...direct. All right, maybe Spock was smarter than he gave the Vulcan credit for, because Jim definitely felt like making a run for it now. The young man's eyes darted away from the Vulcan's, suddenly unable to meet his friend's too-knowing gaze. "What makes you think we had a relationship?" he asked, more as a way to stall than anything else.  
  
Spock was probably giving him the 'eyebrow of doom' right now, though Jim couldn't be sure since he was still looking away from the other man. Thankfully Spock's voice didn't have any of the 'do-you-think-I'm-stupid' tone that he was probably thinking.  
  
"Your behavior has been increasingly erratic recently, in some ways, bordering on irrational. Much of this could be explained as grief over the death of Admiral Pike. However, on Kronos your reaction upon meeting John Harrison was especially violent. Also his use of your given name, something he should not have knowledge of as it has not yet been spoken in his presence, suggests a prior association."  
  
Unfortunately Jim could not deny any of this. He just wasn't sure how much he should divulge to the other man. His private life was his own business, after all. But unfortunately Jim's private life turned out to include a terrorist wanted for treason by the Federation. Jim sighed heavily, leaning against the table with his palms flat against the surface.  
  
"I met John Harrison several months ago at a Starfleet conference in London," Jim finally admitted.  
  
"Were the two of you intimately involved?" Spock prodded without missing a beat, and it was all Jim could do not to flinch. Fuck, Spock was going right for the throat. Of course Jim didn't have anything but his own reputation to blame for it. Most people who knew him well knew he was...all right, he was a slut. No reason to sugar-coat it. Someone attractive walked by, human, alien, male, female; it didn't really matter, Jim was going to take notice, and probably try to get into their pants at some point or another. And John Harrison was definitely attractive...  
  
"Yes, we were," Jim answered, since he knew lying would be pointless. Spock would know if he was lying and that would just be another nail in Jim's coffin.  
  
Spock was quiet for a few moments before he continued. "Do you know why John Harrison targeted you, Captain?"  
  
Jim frowned. Had John been targeting him? The first time John had seen him, the man hadn't seemed interested in Jim at all. In fact, John had tried to deflect Jim's interest in him several times: in the bar where they originally met, the next day when Jim had tried to talk to him at the conference, and he'd even said no at first when Jim had asked him to dinner. Sure, that had only made Jim more interested in the man, but John couldn't have known that. Almost anyone else would have been completely put off by John's abrupt and dismissive attitude.  
  
Jim hadn't even been wearing his rank insignia when they'd first met. It was possible John had recognised who Jim was, as Jim had developed small celebrity status after the Nero incident, but more likely John had no idea he was a Starfleet captain at the time. Even if he did know, the man himself was a commander, and from what Admiral Marcus had told them, John Harrison had far higher clearance than Jim did. There was nothing Jim had that John could possibly want...  
  
"I don't think he was targeting me in London," Jim said. He and John had met by pure coincidence. Whatever had happened between them in London, it hadn't been a part of any master plan. It was just really bad luck.  
  
"You should have informed Admiral Marcus of your prior association to John Harrison before your request to apprehend the criminal," the Vulcan finally said and Jim had to laugh a little this time. Oh, the irony.  
  
"He did know, Spock. He was one of the few people who did. Before the _Enterprise_ was ordered to survey Nibiru, John Harrison paid me a visit in my apartment. He was injured... Apparently his shuttle was shot down outside of San Francisco by Starfleet Security, and he decided to hide out in my apartment. I didn't contact Medical or Security like I should have. I didn't find out until later that he was wanted for treason..." Jim told the Vulcan bitterly.  
  
Again Spock was quiet for a long period of time.  
  
"Harrison used your prior relationship to aid his escape from the authorities?" Spock asked, as though to clarify. Jim nodded. "Curious."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Harrison must have had great faith that you would not inform Starfleet of his presence. I find it curious he would take such a risk," Spock replied thoughtfully.  
  
Spock had a point. Jim had often wondered why John had come to him. The man had somehow known enough about Jim to know where he lived. Even if John hadn't known he was a captain before, he must have figured it out at some point. John could have gone anywhere in the city to try to avoid the authorities, but he had come to Jim. John must have wanted something from Jim specifically, but to this day he couldn't figure out what that was.  
  
He had been so certain Jim wouldn't turn him in. Maybe he'd simply been planning on killing Jim if he tried, but John certainly hadn't seemed capable of that when his guts had been bleeding out all over Jim's floor. It was a huge risk for John, hanging entirely upon Jim's feelings for the man, which John couldn't have known would run so deep. They hadn't even known each other for two days... In that time could John have possibly guessed how easily it would be to manipulate Jim later? Jim had certainly believed all the bullshit that John had spoon-fed him and had agreed to help John without the man ever asking... And John had asked for nothing. He had never tried contacting Jim before showing up on his doorstep and not after. In fact, if the whole point was to try to manipulate Jim somehow, why had John turned on him as soon as Jim had offered to help him? And why hadn't John just killed him?  
  
Recent events had shown John had no problem killing. The man could have snapped his neck like a twig. Instead, he'd strangled Jim until he'd lost consciousness. It had been one of the only reasons Jim hadn't been arrested as an accomplice. On Kronos, John had killed all of those Klingons, but none of Jim's crew had been hurt. It would have been absolutely no trouble for John to kill them, or let the Klingons kill them, and steal their shuttle to escape the planet. John hadn't seemed the least bit intimidated by the torpedoes Sulu had threatened him with. He'd only been concerned with how many there were. One torpedo or seventy-two, John would have been dead either way. So why had that been the first thing John had asked?  
  
"Captain?"  
  
Jim startled a little, realising just how lost he'd been in his own thoughts. The Vulcan gave him his equivalent of a frown.  
  
"Captain, in light of your prior association with the prisoner..."  
  
"Is this where you tell me I've been emotionally compromised, Spock?" Jim interrupted. Was this the point Spock informed him he was no longer in command of the _Enterprise_? How ironic, considering Jim had once done the exact same thing to Spock for exactly the same reasons. Emotionally compromised... That was a fucking understatement.  
  
Spock was quiet for so long, Jim couldn't help but look at him nervously, even though he was afraid of what he was going to see.  
  
"Yes, Captain," Spock answered simply, and Jim felt his heart plummet. If Spock took command away from Jim now, if this went in some report, Jim's career in Starfleet would be over. It nearly had been, even before all of this started, but...  
  
"However" Apparently the Vulcan wasn't finished. "I do not believe this has compromised your ability to make ethical and rational decisions for the benefit of those under your command. I see no reason to relieve you of command at this time," Spock answered and Jim could only blink in shock at the Vulcan. "Though I believe it would be in your best interest if you refrained from interacting with John Harrison any further."  
  
Jim was still reeling a little but he managed to give Spock a nod.  
  
"You're probably right, Mr. Spock," Jim agreed readily. It wasn't as though he wanted to spend time with, or even think about, John Harrison. Besides, once they returned to Earth, he'd probably never see the man again.  
  
Spock gave him a nod and turned to leave the room.  
  
"Spock." The Vulcan turned at his voice, and he managed to give Spock a small smile. "Thank you."  
  
"Of course, Captain."  
  
Once Spock had departed, the smile immediately slipped from Jim's face to be replaced with a frown. Because, like it or not, Spock had gotten Jim thinking. Why had John done all of this? What was the point of blowing up the London archive and then shooting up the Daystrom conference room? Why had John fled to Kronos if he wasn't defecting? Did all of this somehow have something to do with those torpedoes?  
  
Admiral Marcus had told Jim the torpedoes were created by Section 31 and that John Harrison had been one of their top agents before he'd gone rogue. It was possible the torpedoes were worth a lot on the black market. Maybe John wanted to steal them... But then why call Jim's attention to them? Why dare him to open one up?  
  
What was Jim's part in all of this? Why had John shown up in his apartment like that, told Jim all of those things, only to disappear, all on the chance that one day John might use their prior relationship against Jim? On a chance that Jim would still care too much for him to just kill him? Dramatic as that was, it was highly improbable. Admiral Marcus could have sent anyone after John. Unless John had systematically slept with every captain in Starfleet... Not to mention if all this was somehow centered around those torpedoes, Jim had had nothing to do with them; he'd never even heard about them before Admiral Marcus had put them on his ship. All he knew was they were classified.  
  
If all of that didn't generate enough questions, what about the co-ordinates John had given him?  
  
_"If you want to know why I did what I did, go and take a look."_  
  
Well, that was out of the question. The _Enterprise_ wasn't going anywhere until Chekov...  
  
Scotty! Scotty was still on Earth. The co-ordinates weren't far from Earth. What were the chances Jim could convince his former chief engineer to help them? Scotty had been pretty upset with Jim about those torpedoes...and rightly so apparently. There was a chance Scotty would say no...but Jim needed answers.  
  
With a small sigh, Jim prepared himself for some serious grovelling.


	7. Chapter 7

Apparently Jim's groveling needed some work.  
  
He'd managed to get in touch with Scotty, but his former chief engineer was understandably still pretty pissed off with him. Scotty was also apparently drunk. With how often Jim had gotten plastered trying to drown his sorrows in recent weeks, the idea that Scotty might be doing the same because of Jim's actions just made him feel even worse about the whole incident.  
  
The Scotsman had said he would consider Jim's apology, as pathetic an apology as it had been, but he hadn't said whether or not he would check out those coordinates. That left Jim pretty much in the exact same position as before: stranded on the edge of the Neutral Zone with no idea what the fuck was going on. And the only man who did know was a terrorist and murderer who had already betrayed Jim once.  
  
Jim growled under his breath in frustration. They were on their own here. He couldn't just sit and wait, hoping that Scotty would come through with some information for them. He could take John's 'advice' and crack open one of those torpedoes, maybe that would give them a clue what they were really dealing with. It wasn't the smartest or safest, course of action, but Jim needed answers and they were out of options.  
  
He could just imagine how well his officers were going to react to the suggestion...  
  


* * *

  
  
"Are you out of your corn-fed mind?!" Yep, that was pretty much the reaction Jim had been expecting. "You're not actually going to listen to this guy? He killed Pike, he almost killed you, and now you think it's a good idea to pop open a torpedo because he dared you to."  
  
Bones had a point. A lot of good points, in fact, but did he really think that Jim could have forgotten, for even one moment, everything that John had done? All the reasons why he shouldn't trust him? But there was also another aspect of this that Jim couldn't ignore no matter how much he might want to.  
  
"Why did he save our lives, Bones?" Jim forced himself to point out, even as it made his stomach turn a little to defend John's actions, if only just a little. Bones was right, John had almost killed him, but he hadn't. John could have snapped his neck like a twig if he'd truly wanted Jim dead; he'd proved he was capable of that, and more. Then down on Kronos, John could have let them all die at the hands of the Klingons. Instead he had come in, literally guns blazing, saved them, killed the entire Klingon squad, then surrendered to Jim. If John had really wanted them...him...dead, he'd already had plenty of chances to do it.  
  
"The Doctor does have a point, Captain," Spock interjected, of course siding with Bones, even though it didn't happen very often.  
  
"Don't agree with me, Spock. It makes me very uncomfortable."  
  
"Perhaps you, too, should learn to govern your emotions, Doctor." Spock's words made Jim wince internally. They still thought Jim was letting his previous feelings for John cloud his judgement. Well, in this case at least, they were wrong. "In this situation, logic dictates..."  
  
"Logic? My god! There's a maniac trying to make us blow up our own damn ship and..."  
  
"That's not it. I don't know why he surrendered, but that's not it." Jim interrupted the argument, sick and tired of his closest friends constantly second guessing him. Jim understood that they were worried about him, but he was still the captain, goddamn it. "Look, we're gonna open a torpedo. The question is how."  
  
"But Jim, without Mr. Scott on board, who exactly is qualified to just pop open a four-ton stick of dynamite?" Bones threw back at him, the implication clear. Jim's decision to accept Scotty's resignation over those damned torpedoes had already bitten them in the ass, and was going to keep doing so apparently. It was just one of the many bad decisions Jim had made while being emotionally compromised, and no one, especially Jim, wanted to see him make another. When it came to John, it seemed that Jim was incapable of making anything but bad decisions.  
  
Had Jim completely lost his crew's faith in him by this point? The worst part was he couldn't really blame them...  
  
"The admiral's daughter appeared to have interest in the torpedoes, and she is a weapons specialist. Perhaps she could be of some use." Spock's suggestion thankfully interrupted the downward spiral of Jim's thoughts, even as it confused the hell out of him.  
  
"What admiral's daughter?"  
  


* * *

  
  
Carol Marcus.  
  
As ashamed as Jim was to admit it, he had nearly forgotten about her completely as soon as they had arrived on the _Enterprise_. That, perhaps, should have been Jim's first clue that he hadn't exactly been acting like himself recently.  
  
She truly was a lovely woman. Jim honestly hadn't meant to sneak a peek after she told him to turn around in the shuttle, but it seemed some things never change. His curiosity had gotten the better of him, he'd looked, and it had been worth it because she was absolutely stunning. She was totally Jim's type, exactly the kind of woman that he would have tried like hell to get into his bed even before he saw her nearly naked. She was beautiful, outgoing, resourceful, intelligent...  
  
But he didn't want her. The realization floored him...and horrified him. Though it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise; Jim had been 'going through the motions' for months now, forcing interest where there was none. Hell, when Jim had gotten that call from Pike's office right in the middle of his fun in bed with two gorgeous Caitians, he'd actually answered the damned comm!  
  
The worst part was, Jim knew his lack of interest wasn't simply because of the stress of the situation, or grief over the loss of Admiral Pike, or even because he'd been so badly burned in his last 'relationship'. Even having his maybe-more-than-a-one-night-stand turn out to be a terrorist who nearly killed him wasn't the reason.  
  
No. The simple fact was, no one else could compare to John, and his heart wouldn't let him forget that, no matter how much his mind denied it. Everyone else had known it. Everyone else had seen it. Apparently Jim was the only one who refused to believe it.  
  
Everyone had a breaking point. It was almost funny that something as seemingly insignificant as his lack of interest in a gorgeous young woman would be Jim's.  
  
Spock had warned him against 'engaging' with the prisoner, believing that John would manipulate him. Maybe Spock was right. Yet despite his first officer's warnings, no matter how much he told himself what a bad idea it was, after seeing Bones and Carol off in the shuttle bay with the torpedo, Jim did not return to the bridge. Instead he found himself back at the brig.  
  
Even without looking, Jim could feel John's eyes on him the moment he entered the brig. The man watched him like a hawk as Jim dismissed the security officer guarding John then deactivated the video feeds for the cell. It was a foolish thing to do, no doubt about it, but Jim didn't want anyone else to see this. This was between John and him.  
  
As Jim approached the barrier that separated them, he forced himself to look the other man in the eye. John didn't seem all that surprised to see him here. In fact, he looked like he'd been expecting Jim. That only seemed to fuel Jim's anger. He hated the fact that John seemed to know him so damned well, even though that been one of the things that had attracted Jim to John originally - how he'd seemed to know him, what he was thinking, what he was feeling, what he desired most- from the very beginning.  
  
"I want you to tell me why," Jim demanded.  
  
John gave him a long measured look before answering. "I'm afraid you will have to be more specific than that, Captain."  
  
"Why did you do it?!" Jim shouted. "Why did you bomb the archive? Why did you kill all of those people? Why did you have to...? Did... Did someone force you to do it?" He hated that a part of him still wanted to believe the lies that John had once told him.  
  
Again, John simply stared at him in silence. The longer it stretched, the more angry Jim became.  
  
"Tell me!"  
  
"Would it matter?" John finally asked, sounding far too calm. Jim blinked at him, shocked by the unexpected question.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Would you forgive me if I told you I was forced to do it? Would it make the death of your friend easier to bear if I told you I regretted it?" John asked, far too calmly, as he verbally gutted Jim. He could only stare in shocked silence at John, unable to answer. But it didn't matter, because they both knew the truth. Then John smirked at him, actually fucking smirked, and Jim felt ill. "Then what is the point of me saying those things? Especially when they would be lies."  
  
Jim felt something break inside of him. Why, whenever he thought John couldn't possibly hurt him further, did the man prove him wrong? Spock had been right. He usually was. This was a bad idea. He turned away from John in disgust.  
  
"James," John called after him, but Jim shook his head. No. He didn't care what the bastard had to say anymore. John had told him all he needed to know. Now he had to get out of here before he did something he would really regret... Or maybe he wouldn't regret it, just like John didn't regret anything, and that would just make it even worse.  
  
"I did not want you involved." That made Jim freeze.  
  
"Isn't that what you really want to know? Why, when you offered me your help, I turned on you? Why I attacked you?" Jim slowly turned around to face the man, his hands curling into fists at his side. "At first I thought to use you. It would have been easy..." John was right about that much; Jim had trusted him completely. "But I changed my mind. I never wanted you involved in this."  
  
Jim had no idea if John was being honest. He didn't know which would be worse. If John was lying to him, it meant that the man was just trying to manipulate him again. If he was telling the truth...it meant that John had been trying to protect him in some kind of fucked-up fashion.  
  
Jim stalked back towards John's cell. A simple code was all it took to lower the barrier, allowing Jim inside. Jim felt his rage boil over as he came face to face with the man who had caused him so much pain. His punch flew before he even realized what he was doing. He didn't care if he broke his hand against John's face, it would be worth it to see him bleed.  
  
Unlike Kronos, however, John didn't simply stand there and take Jim's rage. A strong hand caught his wrist and Jim's arm was easily twisted behind him. Jim began to struggle in spite of the discomfort of the hold, trying to pull away. John only dragged him closer, trapping Jim against his chest. Jim howled in frustration, clawing at John with his free hand like he was some kind of feral beast. John's other arm came around him, holding him even tighter. He allowed Jim to fight against him, but not to pull away. His expression was surprisingly calm, his eyes full of understanding. That only infuriated Jim more; John had no right to look at him like that. No right...  
  
"You bastard! You fucking bastard!" Jim shouted abuse as he struggled, but it was completely useless. John held him until Jim stopped fighting until he sagged, exhausted and defeated, against the elder man. Jim's forehead dropped to John's shoulder and the first sob tore its way from his throat before he could stop it. Like a dam breaking, he couldn't stop the flood of tears once they'd begun.  
  
He couldn't believe John, no matter how much he wanted to. The man was only trying to manipulate him, just like Spock said he would. Jim barely registered John's grip on him shift from restraining him to supporting. He felt fingers stroke tenderly through his hair, but didn't acknowledge the comfort they offered. He couldn't. Jim wasn't sure how long they stood like that before he heard John's voice whisper against his ear.  
  
"Don't do this. You are stronger than this."  
  
Jim choked on his next sob. "Fuck you." Jim growled and the elder man chuckled softly.  
  
"That's more like it."  
  
Jim lifted his head, glaring pure venom before he crushed his mouth against John's. The man made a sound of surprise, and it was gratifying that Jim had finally done something to shock him. It wasn't a kiss so much as another form of attack. He bit at John's lips hard, and forced his tongue past John's lips when he gasped in shock or pain. But John allowed it, passively taking whatever abuse Jim dished out, even when Jim's teeth began to draw blood from the sharpness of his bites.  
  
John groaned, a deep needy sound. Despite the violence, Jim could feel the other man's hardness pressing insistently against his thigh, providing proof, if there was any doubt, how much John still wanted him, even after everything that had happened. John could not lie about that. Jim's hands fell to the older man's hips, clutching hard enough to bruise as he ground against him. The friction created between their two bodies was intoxicating, painful, and maddening through the layers separating them.  
  
Jim forced his mouth away from John's after one last painful bite to his abused lips that made John hiss through his teeth. John's lips were swollen and bloody, his pupils wide with desire. Jim's eyes locked with John's, never looking away as he opened John's trousers. John's eyes widened with obvious shock as Jim tugged the trousers down and then dropped to his knees.  
  
The blowjob was fast, without finesse, and just as brutal as their kiss had been. Jim wasted no time taking John deep into his throat, deep enough to nearly choke and for his to eyes water. He heard John's breath catch, and felt himself throb within the confines of his own trousers. He forced John's cock deeper and deeper with every move, and his teeth scraped none-too-gently along the underside, as though he were punishing both John and himself with this act. John's fingers tangled in Jim's hair, not holding or guiding, simply resting there. He didn't thrust down Jim's throat, even though Jim wouldn't have stopped him if he did. He simply took whatever Jim was willing to give him, whether it was pleasure, pain, or both.  
  
A slight tugging on Jim's hair was the only warning that he received when John was about to come, but Jim refused to pull away. He felt the cock in his mouth pulse and the hot splash of semen hit the back of his throat. Even as he gagged, he continued to suck the other man down, hollowing his cheeks and swallowing every drop of John's release. He didn't stop until John's cock began to soften, when he knew the stimulation would have begun to feel more painful than pleasurable.  
  
Jim was panting hard when he finally leaned back and John was not much better. Jim swiped the back of his hand across his mouth as he got back to his feet, ignoring the aching in his knees from the hard floor. He'd felt worse.  
  
John started to reach for him, and Jim punched the man hard. He felt his knuckles split from the force of it, but as before, John's face remained unmarked. But Jim didn't stop there. He shoved John forcefully and hooked his leg behind the man's knee. He didn't know whether he'd surprised him, or if John simply allowed it, but he went down hard. He landed with a grunt and looked up at Jim. He didn't move or attempt to rise, not even when Jim started undoing his own trousers and it became obvious what Jim intended to do.  
  
Jim dropped to his knees again and pushed John over onto his front he didn't want to look at the man as he did this. He freed his cock and pulled John's pants down just enough to give him access. He didn't offer John any kind of warning or preparation; he simply shoved his cock inside him with a brutal thrust. Jim didn't want either of them to feel any pleasure in this.  
  
But when John cried out and tensed beneath him, Jim froze, and some of the red haze that had clouded his mind lifted. It was enough to leave him horrified at what he was doing. No matter what John had done to him, the man had never hurt Jim like this. He started to pull out and wasn't prepared for John's hand to reach back and clamp down on his hip, holding Jim in place.  
  
"Do it," John hissed, those two simple words laced with all the pain that Jim had wanted him to feel.  
  
He felt sick to his stomach and shook his head.  
  
"No."  
  
John growled beneath him in frustration and took the choice away from Jim, shoving his hips back roughly, impaling himself further on Jim's cock. They both cried out with the pleasure/pain of it. Jim's hands clamped down hard on John's hips, fighting between the urge to shove the man away or pull him closer. His body took over at that point, despite his mind's protests, and Jim started to move.  
  
He fucked John hard, offering no mercy. John apparently wanted none, and he met Jim thrust for thrust. The sounds John made could have been pain, pleasure, or both. Neither of them seemed to care.  
  
It didn't last long and Jim wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed by that. He drove himself into the other man a final time and spilled himself as deep as he could. A choked gasping sound ripped from his throat. It might have been John's name.  
  
Jim was shaking when he finally pulled out. Thankfully, there was no blood; Jim didn't think he could have stopped himself from vomiting if there had been. He stood on unsteady legs and turned away from as he refastened his trousers. He couldn't, watch as John put himself back together. When Jim glanced back, thankfully John was dressed again, even though he still looked a little wrecked.  
  
Jim swallowed hard.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
John looked at Jim for a long moment, unmoving, before he nodding as though in understanding. "I know," he replied.  
  
Jim turned and ordered the computer to open the cell. Once Jim was 'safe' on the other side of the barrier again, he reactivated the video feeds and commed for the security officer to return to the brig. Bones and Carol would have reached the nearby planetoid by now where they would attempt to open that torpedo. Jim might have just enough time to take a very cold shower before he was needed back on the bridge.  
  
He could still feel John's intense stare as he left, but Jim refused to look back.  
  



	8. Chapter 8

"Captain on the bridge." Sulu's voice almost made Jim flinch when the turbolift opened and for a moment Jim felt frozen in place. He felt certain that everyone must be staring at him. That everyone would somehow know what he had done simply by looking at him. But no one was staring at him. At least, not any more than usual. Not in judgment. Not in disgust. Not like he had just...

Jim forced himself to step out of the lift onto the bridge, because people _were_ starting to stare now only it was in curiosity at his odd behavior. He forced a neutral expression to his face as he made his way across the bridge, though that did not stop his heart from racing. Somehow he managed a calm tone as he came to stand in front of the viewscreen and addressed Sulu.

"Mr. Sulu, have Doctors Marcus and McCoy landed on the planetoid yet?" he asked, wanting - needing - something else to focus on. His heart was pounding so loud it drowned out almost every other sound. His skin felt cold. Clammy. It was difficult to breathe. He felt like he couldn't get enough oxygen into his lungs.

"Yes, sir. They're moving the torpedo into position now." It wasn't really working...

No one knew. How could they know? Jim had dismissed the guard. No one had come into the brig while Jim had been there. He'd deactivated the video feeds. There was no record of it. If John ever told anyone... no one would believe him. Because John Harrison was a wanted criminal, a terrorist, a murderer, and he was James Kirk, upstanding Starfleet captain. No one would ever believe _he_ was capable of something so...

"Good. Any activity from the Klingons?" Because that's what he should be concentrating on right now. The fact that they were stranded in enemy territory.

"Not yet. But if we're stuck here much longer, they will find us."

But how could he stop thinking about it, when every second was burned into his memory like a brand? When he'd returned to his quarters he had scrubbed his flesh raw in the sonic shower but he still felt dirty...

Jim swallowed hard.

"Lieutenant Uhura, did you let Starfleet know we have Harrison in custody?" He forced himself to ask, even though just saying the man's name made Jim feel a little ill. In his custody. His prisoner. At his mercy. And Jim had...

"Yes, sir. No response yet."

What the hell was wrong with him? Jim had never, ever, done anything like that before in his entire life. Even now, he could barely believe it had actually happened. It felt like a dream... Or more like a nightmare, the kind where you were trapped, watching events play out in front of you without any control to change them. Except Jim had been in control. He had been in complete control. He'd known what he was doing. He could not blame his actions on anything or anyone else.

John had hurt him, and he wanted to hurt John back. It was that simple... Except it wasn't. He hated John, but he hadn't always hated him. His head was at war with his heart. And apparently his anger towards John didn't stop Jim from...wanting him. Did John still want him too? Jim couldn't think of any other reason why... He never should have been able to... Why hadn't John stopped him? The man had proven time and again that he was stronger than Jim was. He had stopped Jim from trying to punch him, but he hadn't stopped...anything else. Why? Even when...when Jim had wanted to stop, when he'd realized just how much he _could_ hurt John. He'd wanted to stop, and John had... He'd told him to keep going.

Why?

_"Engineering to bridge. Hello. Captain, can you hear me?"_ Chekov's voice over the com was a welcome distraction. He wanted nothing more than to get back to Earth, hand Harrison over to Starfleet, and finally close this chapter on his life forever.

"Mr. Chekov, give me some good news," Jim answered hopefully as he sat in the captain's chair... Though the way things were going, it might not be his chair for very much longer.

_"We found the leak, sir, but the damage is substantial. We're working on it."_

Jim frowned.

"Any idea what caused it?"

_"Uh, no sir. But I accept full responsibility."_

"Something tells me it wasn't your fault. Stay on it," Jim replied, John's all too knowing observation from earlier was haunting him now. It was like he knew... But how could he know about the warp core malfunctioning? What the hell was going on? With John? Starfleet? The Klingons? Nothing made sense anymore...

"Shuttle is standing by, Captain."

The torpedo... Maybe now they would finally get some answers.

* * *

 

It was safe to say things were royally fucked up at this point. First Bones almost gets himself blown up. Their best guess, Bones hadn't made a mistake. It had been some kind of booby trap, meant to go off if anyone tried to deactivate the warheads on the torpedo. For a few long terrifying seconds, when Jim was sure he was about to lose his best friend, before Carol had managed to deactivate the bomb, he was certain that it was Harrison's doing. That Bones had been right, John's whole intent in telling him to open up one of those torpedoes had been to get them to blow themselves up.

But then the doctor had told him what had been inside the torpedo...and Jim had a feeling that the booby trap hadn't been meant for them.

"Is he alive?" Jim asked as he stared down at the disassembled torpedo with the cryotube inside. A cryotube containing a man. Was this... Was this why John had been so concerned with the torpedoes down on Kronos? But how had he known this man would be inside...?

"He's alive. But if we try to revive him without the proper sequencing it could kill him. This technology's beyond me." The doctor's voice was gravely serious.

"How advanced, Doctor?" Spock asked.

"It's not advanced. That cryotube is ancient," Carol explained.

"We haven't needed to freeze anyone since we developed warp capability," McCoy went on, "which explains the most interesting thing about our friend here. He's three hundred years old."

* * *

 

"Captain, wait," Spock called to him after Jim had rushed out of the medbay. Jim didn't stop. Not until he reached the turbolift and hit the control that would take him down to the brig. After everything, it was the last place he wanted to go, to talk to the last person he wanted to see right now. But what he wanted, and what he needed, were two completely different things right now. And right now he needed answers.

Spock managed to slip into the turbolift with him before the doors closed completely and Jim cursed silently to himself. He really needed to talk to his crew members about trapping him in the turbolift in order to talk to him. It was getting out of hand.

"Look, Spock, I know you said I shouldn't confront Harrison anymore, but..." Jim began but Spock cut him off.

"That is not what I was going to say, Captain," The half-Vulcan stated and then handed Jim a datapad. Before Jim could ask what it was, Spock continued. "I have taken the liberty of researching the archives for information on John Harrison, as I thought it important to understand more about the man we are dealing with, and I discovered something interesting."

"What did you find?" Jim asked, almost hesitantly, as he began to look over the information on the datapad. Much of it was the same that Jim had found himself when he'd been attempting to locate John all those months ago.

"I discovered that prior to approximately one year ago, John Harrison did not exist."

Jim froze.

"What?" Apparently Jim hadn't looked back far enough. But at the time he'd only been trying to find out where John had gone, not dig into his past. Maybe he should have... "What does that mean?"

"I can only assume, Captain, it means that John Harrison is not who he appears to be," Spock answered.

Right, as though Jim hadn't figured _that_ out a _long_ time ago. He nodded and handed the datapad back to his first officer. When the lift doors opened Jim quickly exited before he could change his mind. Harrison was, of course, still in the cell where Jim had left him not an hour before. But this time the older man barely glanced in Jim's direction when he entered, and that, combined with the noticeably careful way the imprisoned man was sitting, hit Jim like a punch in the gut.

It took Jim several moments before he could bring himself to speak.

"Why is there a man in that torpedo?" he finally managed to force out. That seemed to be the easiest thing to focus on at the moment. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't talk about what had happened earlier, as Spock had followed him into the brig. Jim wasn't even sure what he would say anyway if he had the chance. How sorry he was? That he'd felt sick with guilt ever since it had happened? That he wanted the man's forgiveness? Even if that were true, how could he expect John to forgive him, if Jim could never forgive John for what he'd done?

"There are men and women in all those torpedoes, Captain. I put them there," John answered calmly, and Jim was almost surprised that he'd said anything at all, considering how cryptic the man had been before... Maybe he had simply been waiting for Jim to see it himself... But it still didn't make any sense. Why would John, why would _anyone_ , put a bunch of people inside torpedoes! Jim shared a confused look with Spock before plunging forward.

"Who the hell are you?" It was something Jim should have asked a long time ago. When they'd first met, perhaps. Maybe none of this would have happened if he had...

"A remnant of a time long past. Genetically engineered to be superior so as to lead others to peace in a world at war," John answered softly, his eyes distant and his voice almost wistful. Sad. "But we were condemned as criminals, forced into exile. For centuries we slept, hoping when we awoke things would be different."

What the hell was John saying? We? That frozen man in the torpedo...in all of those torpedoes... And John?

"But as a result of the destruction of Vulcan, your Starfleet began to aggressively search distant quadrants of space. My ship was found adrift. I alone was revived," John continued, his tone now almost accusing as he glanced at Spock. No... It just wasn't possible.

"I looked up John Harrison. Until a year ago, he didn't exist," Jim stated, disbelief coloring his tone. There had to be some other explanation. This was too...far-fetched. John might not be 'John Harrison,' but he couldn't possibly be... But how else could he explain the three hundred-year-old man in that cryotube? Bones would never make up something like that.

"John Harrison was a fiction created the moment I was awoken by your Admiral Marcus to help him advance his cause." John's voice and expression turned angry now as he stood up and approached the glass towards Jim, and it was all he could do to meet that penetrating stare without flinching. "A smokescreen to conceal my true identity. My name is Khan!"

Jim could only stare at John...Khan...whatever his name was, in utter disbelief. Now, not only was he accusing Starfleet of hijacking his ship, a ship full of three hundred year old genetically engineered humans, but he was accusing Admiral Marcus! The head of Starfleet! How could he possibly believe that?

"Why would a Starfleet admiral ask a three hundred-year-old frozen man for help?" Jim scoffed at the sheer ridiculousness of the story that John was spinning. John's narrowed his eyes at him.

"Because I am better," he answered with no small amount of arrogance. Jim frowned.

"At what?"

"Everything," the older man snapped. "Alexander Marcus needed to respond to an uncivilized threat in a civilized time." There was an unmistakable note of sarcasm in John's tone as he said that. "And for that he needed a warrior's mind. My mind. To design weapons and warships."

"You are suggesting the admiral violated every regulation he vowed to uphold simply because he wanted to exploit your intellect?" Spock questioned doubtfully. At least Jim wasn't the only one having a difficult time swallowing all of this.

"He wanted to exploit my savagery!" John - Khan - sneered back. "Intellect alone is useless in a fight, Mr. Spock. You can't even break a rule, how would you be expected to break bone?"

Jim almost shivered at Khan's words. John had once called him that once. Savage. A warrior. When he had said it then, it had sounded like a compliment. Jim hadn't known how to feel about that then...and even less now. Especially in such a context. Jim wasn't like that... Wasn't like him!

Or was he? Look what Jim had done just over an hour ago... He felt suddenly very cold. But Khan wasn't finished.

"Marcus used me to design weapons. To help him realize his vision of a militarized Starfleet. He sent you to use those weapons, to fire my torpedoes on an unsuspecting planet. And then he purposely crippled your ship in enemy space, leading to one inevitable outcome: The Klingons would come searching for whomever was responsible, and you would have no chance of escape. Marcus would finally have the war he talked about, the war he always wanted."

Everything Khan was saying made a terrifying kind of sense, but Jim still couldn't believe it. If he believed it, that meant Marcus, a Starfleet admiral, had not only sent him to kill John Harrison - to kill the defenseless sleeping humans within those torpedoes - but to kill Jim and his entire crew as well. Jim couldn't believe anyone, much less Alexander Marcus, could be so cold-blooded.

And yet, there was still no explanation for why their warp core had malfunctioned...

"No. No. I watched you open fire in a room full of unarmed Starfleet officers. You killed them in cold blood!" Jim could never let himself forget that. He had killed Pike! No explanation could possibly make Jim forgive him for that!

"Marcus took my crew from me!" Khan countered, his voice growing louder with rising agitation.

"You are a murderer!"

"He used my friends to control me." Khan had turned away but Jim could still hear the sorrow in his voice. "I tried to smuggle them to safety by concealing them in the very weapons I had designed, but I was discovered. I had no choice but to escape alone. And when I did, I had every reason to suspect that Marcus had killed every single one of the people I hold most dear. So I responded in kind."

It was the same story that John - Khan - had told him before, the story that Jim had so blindly believed. How could he possibly believe it now? Even as Khan looked at him with tears in his eyes and Jim knew...just like he had known before...the pain in those eyes was real. Yet how could he believe it? That Admiral Marcus was the one responsible? The one who had captured John and his family. The one who had forced Khan into servitude with threats against the people he loved. Who had punished John by using a fucking laser whip! Who John had thought murdered his family when he had escaped...

_'You would not believe me even if I told you...'_

"My crew is my family, Kirk. Is there anything you would not do for your family?"

_'Don't you want to see the ones who hurt you brought to justice?'_

Jim had always wondered if John had already planned what he was going to do when he'd come to Jim for help. If he had known he was going to do something so horrible even while he was touching him, kissing him, fucking... if John had come up with his idea to attack Starfleet Headquarters while he'd been sequestered safely away inside Jim's apartment, while Starfleet Security searched for him. What if... What if he had?  What if Jim had given him the _idea?_!  Oh god...

The sudden beep from the ship's intercom nearly made Jim flinch.

_"Proximity alert, sir. There's a ship at warp heading right for us."_ Sulu's news was definitely not welcome. In fact, it was the very last thing they needed right now.

"Klingons?"

"At warp? No, Kirk. We both know who it is." Khan stepped towards him, forcing Jim's attention back to him, his expression and voice almost pleading. _Believe me._ His eyes said clearly. But Jim wasn't sure what to believe anymore...

_"I don't think so. It's not coming at us from Kronos."_

What if Khan was telling the truth...

Jim started to run for the turbolift that would take him to the bridge.

"Lieutenant, move Khan to the medbay! Post six security officers on him!" he ordered the officer in charge of monitoring the brig as he passed him. It wouldn't be the first place someone would look for the man at least. Khan would be safe there...until Jim could figure out what the fuck was going on!


	9. Chapter 9

Jim was out of breath by the time he made it to the bridge. Sulu's announcement almost went completely unheard over the pounding of his own heart in his chest.

"ETA of the incoming ship," Jim demanded as he took his seat in the captain's chair.

"Three second's, sir," Sulu supplied immediately. Not enough time for them to prepare. Certainly not enough time for them to attempt to run or hide. They could only wait.

"Shields," he ordered.

"Aye, Captain," Sulu replied and complied immediately. Just in time, too, because in the next instant the other ship came out of warp right in front of him. The dark behemoth filled the entire viewscreen. It was massive. It was... Jim couldn't deny it, beautiful, but also horrifying as well. He had never seen anything like it, but it was obviously based on Starfleet Constitution Class designs. Like the _Enterprise_ ' dark twin.

Was this one of the ships that Khan had spoken of? He had designed this? Built this? If it was anything like the man himself, it was sure to be...impressive. She certainly looked impressive.

"They're hailing us, sir," Uhura stated, interrupting Jim's near gaping at the other ship. If there was any more doubt who was on that ship...

"On screen," Jim said, then considered a moment. "Broadcast ship-wide, for the record."

Admiral Marcus' face immediately appeared on the viewscreen. Jim took a deep breath and forced a pleasant look and smile on his face, even though inside he was feeling anything but. Khan had known it would be Marcus. Had warned him. Jim hadn't wanted to believe him. Hadn't wanted to believe it. But what reason would Admiral Marcus, the head of Starfleet, have to come out here?

"Admiral Marcus, I wasn't expecting you." Jim greeted the other man with false pleasantness, trying to ignore the uneasiness roiling in his stomach. A part of him still hoped, perhaps in vain, that there was still another explanation for all of this. "That's a hell of a ship you got there."

 _"And I wasn't expecting to get word that you'd taken Harrison into custody in violation of your orders,"_ Marcus returned, apparently in no mood for pleasantries. Jim almost flinched and he could practically feel Spock's eyes burning into the back of his skull. He supposed he couldn't blame the Vulcan, since it had been he who had originally talked Jim out of simply killing John/Khan. But Jim had no intention of stabbing Spock in the back, even if the other man had once done the same to him.

"Well... We, uh... We had to improvise when our warp core unexpectedly malfunctioned. But you already knew that, didn't you sir?" Jim replied, easily turning the discussion back to why Admiral Marcus was here. If the man thought that Jim would have been cowed in any way by the accusation of 'violating orders' well, he didn't know Jim Kirk very well.

 _"I don't take your meaning,"_ Marcus replied, sounding almost offended at the near-accusation.

"Well, that's why you're here, isn't it? To assist with our repairs? Why else would the head of Starfleet personally come to the edge of the Neutral Zone?" As Jim went on, some of the false pleasantness slipped from his tone to be laced with sarcasm. Of course he didn't really believe that was the reason Marcus was here. It was obvious to anyone who heard him. It was certainly obvious to Marcus. But a part of him was curious exactly what explanation, if any, Marcus would give. Maybe he still hoped that Khan wasn't telling him the truth and Marcus would give him another reason, _any reason_ , for what was going on. Even if he had to goad the admiral into revealing it.

"Captain, they're scanning our ship," Sulu informed him, and Jim's stomach dropped just a bit further. Even though, he supposed, that was an answer in and of itself.

"Something I can help you find, sir?" Jim asked, his tone no longer pleasant in the least.

 _"Where is your prisoner, Kirk?"_ The admiral demanded.

Of course. Marcus was here for Khan. Marcus had ordered him to kill the man. At one point Jim had been fully prepared to do it without question. But Spock had made him question, and if Khan was telling the truth...then Marcus had every reason to be worried about them taking the fugitive into custody instead of simply killing him.

"Per Starfleet regulation, I'm planning on returning _Khan_ to Earth to stand trial," Jim replied, stressing the man's true name. If Khan was lying, then Marcus would probably be, at the very least, confused by it. If Khan was telling the truth...

 _"Well...shit. You talked to him."_ Marcus rubbed his head in weariness, frustration, or maybe even annoyance. Whatever it was, the man certainly didn't seem surprised. _"This is exactly what I was hoping to spare you from."_

It was all Jim could do not to let his jaw hit the floor in shock. What the hell? Spare him?

Marcus continued, _"I took a tactical risk and woke that bastard up, believing that his superior intelligence could help us protect ourselves from whatever came at us next."_ Jim couldn't believe it; the man wasn't even going to _try_ to...deny any of it? He knew exactly who...what...Khan was. It was all true? Marcus had hijacked a ship full of twentieth century augments, had taken Khan's crew hostage and held Khan prisoner, forcing him to create weapons for him. He'd kept him as a slave, and threatened his family to keep him in line. Tortured him! Beat him with a fucking whip, and nearly killed him when Khan had tried to escape! It was all true...everything Khan had told him... Oh god...

Jim was in such shock he barely heard Marcus continue.

 _"But I made a mistake, and now the blood of everyone he's killed in on my hands. So I'm asking you, give him to me so that I can end what I started."_ Jim could only stare at the other man. The complete...audacity. He just expected Jim to hand Khan over without question? With everything he knew? Jim still couldn't believe that Marcus wasn't even going to try to deny Khan's story. He wasn't even attempting to sugarcoat it, what he was prepared to do to Khan once he had him again. Marcus wanted Khan dead, plain and simple. Of course, it was obvious. If Khan's story got out it would _ruin_ Marcus. The admiral couldn't risk that. He needed Khan dead, he'd wanted that from the beginning. Marcus had sent Jim to do it, counting on his rage over the death of Pike!  Marcus had _used_ him!  Used the feelings of anger and betrayal he'd felt for his former lover.  Counted on those feelings to cloud his judgement so Jim wouldn't even question it.

And Jim had almost gone through with it... He felt sick... He shook his head in a vain attempt to clear it.

"And what exactly would you like me to do with the rest of his crew, sir?" Jim snapped back sarcastically. "Fire them at the Klingons? End seventy-two lives? Start a war in the process?"

 _"He put those people in those torpedoes! And I simply didn't want to burden you with knowing what was inside of them."_ Jim went absolutely ridged at those words. Marcus _knew_. Knew about the men and women inside of those torpedoes. He'd known full well what he was telling Kirk to do when he'd told him to fire them at the Klingons. It was nothing short of mass murder... No genocide! Because as far as Jim knew, Khan and his crew were the last of his kind. And Marcus had almost made Jim a party to it!

The man was fucking _insane_!

The admiral went on without missing a beat.

 _"You saw what this man can do all by himself. Can you imagine what would happen if we woke up the rest of his crew?"_ Jim couldn't believe that Marcus was actually blaming Khan for this mess! All those people who had died... Marcus got one thing right; their blood was on his hands! When Khan had tried to take revenge against Marcus for his actions! It was Marcus who had forced Khan's hand! And he was blaming Khan?!

 _"What else did he tell you? That he was a peacekeeper? He's playing you, son, don't you see that?"_ Jim nearly flinched when the admiral called him 'son'. Marcus used that against him too. Maybe he didn't know that Pike had once called him that too.  Or maybe he was just that clever and had guessed. But hearing it now... Oh, yeah, someone was definitely trying to play him, and it wasn't Khan. At least, not right now. _"Khan and his crew were condemned to death as war criminals. And now it is our duty to carry out that sentence before anyone else dies because of him."_

Jim couldn't help but share a look with Spock. He wondered if the Vulcan was having similar thoughts to his. Maybe that was true, Jim didn't know much about that time period, though the name 'Khan' was definitely familiar. Jim didn't know if the Khan they had on their ship right now was _that_ Khan, but it didn't really matter. Whatever had happened had taken place three hundred years ago! Whatever Khan, or his people, might have done... Jim was pretty sure they'd passed the statute of limitation for any crimes the augments may have committed back then. And Spock was right, they couldn't just condemn all those people to die, they didn't do that anymore, certainly without a trial.

Marcus went on.

_"Now I'm going to ask you again! One last time, son. Lower your shields. Tell me where he is."_

Jim's decision came surprisingly easy.

"He's in engineering, sir. But I'll have him moved to the transporter room right away." Jim replied in a show of resigned obedience.

_"I'll take it from here."_

_I just bet you will_. Jim thought to himself. Marcus really didn't know Jim Kirk very well.

"Do not drop those shields, Mr. Sulu," Jim ordered. He practically sprang out of his chair as soon as the transmission ended.

"Aye, Captain."

"Captain, given your awareness of Khan's true location in the medbay, may I know the details of your plan?" Spock asked him hurriedly. The Vulcan didn't sound very pleased by Jim's ruse, he probably thought that Jim's open defiance of the admiral's orders was insane. Which it was, even if Spock himself had once encouraged Jim to defy the orders issued by the head of Starfleet. Now, however, the situation was a little different.

"I told Marcus we were bringing a fugitive back to Earth. That's what we're going to do." Jim replied, though it was not only going to be Khan. Jim was going to make damned sure that Admiral Marcus paid for everything he had done. One way or another.

Jim activated the ship's comm to contact Chekov in engineering.

"Mr. Chekov, can we warp?" he asked impatiently.

 _"Sir, if we go to warp, we run the risk of seriously damaging the core!"_ The younger man's breathless protest came back almost immediately. Jim could certainly understand Chekov's concerns, but that was not what he'd asked.

"Can we do it?" he demanded again, and he heard the other man's sigh of frustration even over the comm link.

_"Technically, yes, but I would not advise it, Captain."_

Jim only hesitated a moment, "Noted." Then he closed the comm and returned to sit in the captain's chair. This might end up being a bumpy ride...or a very short one.

"Mr. Sulu, set course for Earth," he ordered, and though his helmsman looked a little uncertain having obviously overheard Chekov's protests, he did not question the order.

"Yes, sir."

At least Jim still had the trust of some of his crew.

"Punch it."

Much to his relief, and to the credit of his engineering team, the _Enterprise_ engines came online without a hitch, and soon they were traveling at warp speed heading back to Earth. Hopefully by the time they had gotten there, Jim would have come up with a way to apologize to Khan...for everything... He certainly owed the other man at least that much.


	10. Chapter 10

Out of the frying pan, into the fire...  
  
The way Jim's luck was going lately, he probably should have expected it. They should have been safe at warp. He should have listened to Carol when she tried to warn him, but to be fair, it probably would not have mattered anyway.  
  
Now Carol was gone. Taken prisoner by her own father. They were hovering, stranded and defenseless, so close and yet so far away from any real help on Earth. Their comms were down. Their weapons were non-functional. Their shields were dropping, not that they had been able to stand up to the other ship's weapons anyway.  
  
Khan had been right about everything. Most likely it had been Marcus who was responsible for the warp core malfunction that had stranded them in Klingon space. The admiral had been planning on killing them all from the very beginning. Like a cat toying with a mouse before the kill, Marcus had listened to him beg, beg, for the lives of his crew. He'd offered both himself and Khan in trade if only the admiral would spare his comrades. Before Marcus finally admitted, with no shame whatsoever, he had never intended to allow them to live.  
  
If not for Scotty...god bless the man...they would all be dead now. His crew. Khan's crew. All of them. Jim wasn't going to let that happen. They only had one option now to make it out of this. One small chance. And Jim wasn't going to waste it.  
  
"Uhura, when you get Scotty back, patch him through," Jim ordered.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
He had barely waited for the lieutenant's reply before turning to Spock.  
  
"Mr. Spock, you have the conn," he told the other man before he rushed off of the bridge. He should have expected Spock to follow him and trap him inside the turbolift once again, since his friends had been doing that a lot lately.  
  
"Captain, I strongly object."  
  
"To what? I haven't said anything yet." Jim muttered, playing dumb might not be the best course of action right now, but he had no idea if this would even work. As it all hinged on the cooperation of a man...who had no reason in the world to trust Jim anymore.  
  
"Since we cannot take the ship from the outside, the only way we can take it is from within. And as a large boarding party would be detected, it is optimal for you to take as few members of the crew as possible."  
  
Jim listened as the Vulcan plainly laid out Jim's own line of thinking, not waiting for the other man to finish as the turbolift reached the level for the medbay. Spock didn't stop however, simply followed him while he continued speaking.  
  
"You will meet resistance, requiring personnel with advanced combat abilities and innate knowledge of that ship. This indicates that you plan to align with Khan, the very man we were sent here to destroy."  
  
Jim's fists clenched at those words, and he resisted the urge to point out that the man who had sent them here to destroy Khan in the first place had just shot them to hell and would have blown them to bits given the chance. By comparison, Khan had been downright civil towards them.  
  
"I'm not aligning with him, I'm using him," Jim said instead, feeling ashamed of the words even as they left his mouth, especially as they were true. Spock was right on all accounts, and they weren't going to make it out of this alive without the augment. One way or another, for the sake of his crew, he had to secure Khan's agreement to help them. Khan's willingness to cooperate was...optional...as long as the man did cooperate. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."  
  
That was all they were now. Much of that was Jim's fault. But perhaps there was a chance they could salvage...something. If they managed to make it out of this mess alive.  
  
"The Arabic proverb attributed to a prince who was betrayed and decapitated by his own subjects," Spock replied, and Jim almost laughed. Trust Spock to focus on _that_ particular detail.  
  
"Still, it's a hell of a quote."  
  
"I will go with you, Captain." Spock changed tactics, but Jim was having none of it.  
  
"No, I need you on the bridge," he replied quickly, and wasn't prepared for Spock to suddenly grab him to stop him. Usually the Vulcan wasn't so physical. Jim finally forced himself to face his first officer.  
  
"I cannot allow you to do this. It is my function aboard this ship to advise you on making the wisest decisions possible, something I firmly believe you are incapable of doing in this moment." Jim couldn't help but wince at the Vulcan's words. Spock was really hitting below the belt now, calling his fitness to lead into question now of all times! Well, Spock had his chance before to force Jim to sit this one out due to his 'emotionally compromised' state. Hell, Jim was _giving_ him command anyway!  
  
"You're right!" Jim snapped, finally losing his temper. "What I'm about to do, it doesn't make any sense, it's not logical. It is a _gut_ feeling."  
  
Jim looked away from the other man and took a deep breath. He had made so many mistakes lately. So many people had died or suffered because of his actions. People Jim cared about. Pike...Khan... He had to do something. He had to try to make up for those mistakes. Couldn't Spock see that? They had every reason not to trust Khan. Khan had every reason not to trust him. But the man had still saved their lives...had saved Jim... Down on Kronos, he had tried to warn them about Marcus, if Jim had only taken the time to listen instead of letting his anger cloud his judgment . They might not trust each other...but they were still in this together.  
  
"I have no idea what I'm supposed to do," Jim finally admitted. "I only know what I can do."  
  
He had to think about his crew now. Nothing else mattered.  Pike was right; Jim wasn't ready to be a captain. He couldn't let anyone else die because of his failures.  
  
"The _Enterprise_ and her crew need someone in that chair that knows what he's doing. And it's not me. It's you, Spock," Jim stated simply, and Spock did not try to stop him again when he walked away. Jim supposed that was proof enough that he was finally making the right decision.

* * *

  
  
Jim steeled himself as he entered the Medbay. Khan sat on one of the biobeds, surrounded by the security detail that Jim had ordered to remain with him before. His wrists were cuffed and his back was rigidly straight. He faced forward, not even turning his head to look at Jim when he arrived.  
  
No doubt the man had heard Jim's ship-wide broadcast discussion with Admiral Marcus. He could only imagine what might be going through Khan's mind right now. At least the man hadn't heard Jim offer him up to Marcus as a sacrifice in an attempt to save his crew, Jim thought, with no small amount of guilt. Though he knew that Khan would have done the same if Jim had bothered to ask him. Khan's own crew was on board Jim's ship and if the ship was destroyed, they would be too. But that didn't change the fact that Jim hadn't even bothered to ask... Not that there had been time...  
  
Now he was here to beg this man for help.  
  
Jim moved to stand in front of Khan, forcing the man to look at him.  
  
"Tell me everything you know about that ship," he demanded, figuring that the other man would probably rather dispense with the pleasantries. At least, while there were other people around to observe them.  
  
"Dreadnought class. Two times the size, three times the speed. Advanced weaponry. Modified for a minimal crew. Unlike most Federation vessels, it's built solely for combat," Khan replied without hesitation. Jim decided to take that as a good sign.  
  
He took a breath and decided to push on.  
  
"I will do everything I can to make you answer for what you did," Jim admitted, because he couldn't lie to the man. Not now.  Because even now as he stood here looking at Khan, even knowing why he had done what he did, Jim could not simply dismiss Khan's crimes. Remembering how Khan claimed he regretted nothing... Killing Pike...and all of those people... Jim could never forget or forgive that. Khan would _have_ to stand trial. But maybe given the circumstances...  
  
Jim couldn't think about that right now.  
  
Khan said nothing, and Jim honestly didn't expect him to, so he continued,"But right now I need your help."  
  
"In exchange for what?" Khan asked without missing a beat. That...hurt a bit. Jim didn't deny it. If Khan wanted to hear him beg like he'd begged Marcus... But maybe a different approach would yield better results.  
  
"You said you'd do anything for your crew. I can guarantee their safety," Jim promised. Khan might have to stand trial for his crimes, but as far as Jim was concerned, the men and women inside those torpedoes were innocent. He could make sure they were revived. Taken care of. Safely integrated into society if they wished, or even find a world they could colonize. It was the least Jim could do for the man in front of him...  
  
"Captain," Khan replied with a sigh, almost chiding. "You can't even guarantee the safety of your own crew."  
  
That...was definitely hitting below the belt. But, Jim reminded himself, he deserved that. He deserved that and a hell of a lot more for what he'd done to Khan. Khan didn't owe him anything... Definitely not compassion or even politeness.  
  
The brief distraction with the tribble (how the hell Bones could be working on that at a time like this, Jim would never understand) at least gave Jim time to gather his thoughts. He stepped forward, putting himself into Khan's personal space and dropped his voice so that only he could hear him. For the first time, Khan's expression shifted from cold and impassive to something resembling curiosity.  
  
"You coming with me or not?" Jim asked. His message was clear. Jim was going to do this. With or without Khan's help. They both knew it was essentially a suicide mission... but Jim would have a lot better chance of succeeding with Khan at his side.  
  
It might have been Jim's imagination, but he saw something flicker in the other man's eyes. Something resembling admiration. He definitely wasn't expecting it, nor was he expecting how it would make him feel to have Khan look at him that way again.  
  
"Yes." Khan finally answered softly.

* * *

  
  
Scotty was right, the plan was utterly crazy, but it was the only one they had. He and Khan were in the middle of putting on the space suits that would hopefully allow them to travel from the _Enterprise_ to the _Vengeance_ from one airlock to another flying at impossible speeds through a massive field of debris without getting pulverized in the process. Right... Despite Jim's outward bravado, he knew that their chances of surviving this were one in a million.  
  
Knowing that this might be the last time he got the chance to talk to Khan, Jim took a deep breath and paused to address the other man in private.  
  
"Look, I... I want to say some things."  
  
"Now is not the time," Khan replied, not bothering to even look at Jim as he dismissed him. Khan was probably right, they didn't have much time to waste, there was no telling when the _Vengeance_ would have her weapons operational again. But...damn it...  
  
"I know you have every reason to hate me. I can never express how...sorry I am...for what I did..." Jim trailed off when the other man finally paused in the middle of what he was doing and looked at him. The...confusion on Khan's face was unexpected.  
  
"What you did?" Khan parroted.  
  
Jim flushed a little. Did the man really want him to spell it out?  
  
"In the brig... I... What I did was inexcusable...but I want you to know I meant what I said: no matter what happens, I'll make sure your crew is safe. And after your trial..."  
  
"In the brig?" Khan cut him off, eyebrows narrowed, then they suddenly rose in surprise as understanding flashed across the augment's face. The man actually had the audacity to laugh.  
  
"What the hell is so funny?"  
  
Khan shook his head and all but rolled his eyes at him and Jim really...wasn't expecting this. But he supposed it was better than Khan simply punching him or something. He wouldn't have even blamed him...  
  
" _That_ is what you wish to apologize for, Kirk?" Khan shook his head and he went back to prepping his space suit. "Honestly, Captain... Do you _really_ think that you are capable of forcing me to do something against my will?"  
  
Jim blinked stupidly at the other man. He didn't know whether to feel relieved or offended...  
  
"Marcus did..." Jim replied without thinking. It was probably the stupidest thing he could have said right then. Especially with the way the augment's head suddenly snapped up and the look in Khan's eyes... He hadn't meant it...like that. Jim had meant how Marcus had forced Khan to build weapons by threatening his people. He hadn't realized...until he looked into Khan's eyes.  
  
"Oh my god..." Jim whispered, almost too softly to hear. The augment quickly turned away, his movements stiff and obviously angry. He finished putting on his space suit with fast efficient movements while Jim could only stand there frozen.  
  
"Get dressed," Khan finally snapped at him.  
  
"Khan..."  
  
"No!" Khan yelled, still facing away from him. Jim wisely remained silent. They didn't have time... Later, if there was a later. Jim finished pulling on his own space suit. He did his best to think about what they needed to do and force down anything else he was feeling. He couldn't let it...distract him...  
  
"He'll pay for what he's done," Jim finally whispered after a long time. Khan snorted softly in disbelief. "He will." Jim insisted.  
  
"Like I will pay for what I've done?" Khan returned mockingly. Jim sighed softly.  
  
"I'll testify at the trials, he won't get away with this. Under the circumstances...you might only get probation. At the very least a lighter sentence..."  
  
"There will not be a trial," Khan said softly, and Jim frowned.  
  
"Yes there will, Khan; Marcus isn't invincible. We all heard what he said. It's on record. He can't get away with this..."  
  
"Don't be so naive, Captain," Khan whispered tiredly, looking at him, and for the first time Jim realized maybe he wasn't just talking about Marcus...  
  
"Khan...please... Whatever you're thinking. Don't. Don't make things worse. Marcus will be punished. You... It will be all right."  
  
"I will not be a slave again."  
  
Jim felt his stomach drop at those words.  
  
"Khan, not everyone in Starfleet is like that. Like Marcus. It won't be like that, I promise. You won't be mistreated again. I'll help you. Please, let me help you this time."  
  
Khan looked away, closed his eyes and took a long measured breath. When he opened his eyes again, he did not look at Jim.  
  
"I will warn you once, and only once, _Captain_ ," Khan said slowly. The way the augment said his rank made Jim flinch and his body go cold. "Do not get in my way."


	11. Chapter 11

He had to focus.  
  
He and Khan were kneeling in the trash exhaust, about to be shot out into space at high speed towards the _Vengeance_. They had less than three minutes to fly over to the other ship, hopefully avoiding being squashed by crashing into the debris in their way. Then they had to fight their way through whatever opposition there might be on the other ship. Khan had said the _Vengeance_ was modified to run with a minimal crew, but that didn't mean that Marcus had a minimal crew. There could be more than a hundred men over there for all they knew, with only himself, Khan, and Scotty to take them out. Though, Jim didn't doubt Khan probably could take out a hundred men all by himself if he was motivated. Could they do it and make it to the bridge before the _Vengeance_ had their weapons back online to stop Marcus from destroying the _Enterprise_?  
  
If they were going to succeed, he couldn't let anything distract him.  
  
"You ready?" Jim asked. It was the first words, other than his lame babbling explanation of how he'd 'done this before', that he'd spoken directly to Khan since that tense moment when they'd been putting on their spacesuits.  
  
"Are you?" Khan shot back. The augment still sounded angry, and he'd barely looked at Jim since he'd accidentally found out... No... He couldn't think about that right now...  
  
"Spock, pull the trigger," he ordered, and then waited in a tense silence as he listened to his first officer count down to launch. He had to focus on the task at hand. Get over to the other ship. Stop Marcus.  
  
Three...  
  
He couldn't think about Marcus taking Khan prisoner; threatening his family; forcing his cooperation; beating him...  
  
Two...  
  
Raping him...  
  
One...  
  
For a moment, all Jim Kirk could see was red, as the rage he had been fighting so hard to keep under control threatened to consume him entirely. He couldn't think about anything except Marcus putting his hands on Khan against his will. Khan, who was so fucking strong, he probably could have killed the admiral with one strike if the man even dared to look at him funny under other circumstances. But he'd been unable to fight back for fear that his family would suffer for his defiance. Forced to submit...  
  
_"Captain, there is debris directly ahead."_ Spock's almost urgent tone in his comm was enough to snap Jim out of it to warn him of what would have been a very painful, and probably fatal, collision. Unfortunately...  
  
_"Whoa! Jim you're way off course!"_ The doctor's worried observation echoed his own.  
  
"I know, I know! I can see that," he shot back, quickly dodging left then right to avoid even more debris in his path.  
  
_"Use your display compass, Captain. You must correct precisely 37.243 degrees."_ Sulu helpfully provided him with this information and Jim gave a small sigh of relief, even though his heart was still hammering within his chest at the near miss.  
  
"Got it. I'm working my way back," he replied, following his display as best he could while still avoiding the floating wreckage around him. "Scotty, you're gonna be ready with that door, right?"  
  
The silence that followed did not comfort Jim in the least.  
  
"Mr. Scott, where are you?"  
  
_"Captain, he can't seem to hear you. I'm working on getting his signal back. Stand by,"_ Uhura supplied.  
  
What the hell else could go wrong...  
  
He really should have known better to even think it and jinx himself. Not a second later a shard of debris struck his faceplate which immediately began to splinter and crack. This threatened not only his display but also his life if he lost pressure inside his space suit!  
  
"Damn it..." Jim muttered.  
  
_"Captain, what is it?"_ Spock's voice came back, and Jim almost cursed again. He'd almost forgotten the comm was still on.  
  
"My helmet was hit," Jim sent back, not that there was anything any of them could do about it. "Uhura, tell me you have Mr. Scott back." Because none of this was going to matter anyway if they didn't get that airlock open on time.  
  
_"Not yet. I'm still working on a signal. His communicator is working, I don't know why he isn't responding."_  
  
_"Khan, use evasive action! There is debris directly ahead."_ Spock's warning made Jim's head snap instinctively to the side, trying to find the other man visually, even though that would nearly be impossible given the distance, their speed, and debris that was in the way.  
  
_"I see it."_ Khan's calm reply didn't really ease Jim's nerves in the slightest. Especially when the next moment he lost sight of the man's signal on his display.  
  
No...  
  
"Was Khan hit?" Jim demanded urgently.  
  
_"We are trying to find him now."_ Spock's reply also gave him no comfort at all, and once more the distraction nearly cost him his life, but Sulu's voice forced his attention back to the problem, literally, directly in front of him.  
  
_"Captain, you need to adjust your target destination to 183 by 473 degrees."_ Jim didn't want to think about the possibility that he was now alone out here. That Khan might be hurt - or even dead - floating helplessly in the void of space, and there was nothing that Jim could do right now to help the man. If Jim didn't get on the _Vengeance_ , and stop Marcus, this would have all been in vain. He'd promised Khan... He could not let the man down again.  
  
Of course his display chose that moment to give up on him, the cracks spreading to cover almost the entirety of his helmet's view.  
  
"Spock, my display's dead; I'm flying blind," he informed the Vulcan with a soft, almost resigned, tone. The realization that he was about to die wasn't as terrifying as he imagined. Probably because either way, with his suit depressurizing, or smashing into the side of the _Vengeance_ , however he died, was going to be relatively quick. The realization that he had failed his crew...and Khan...was much more devastating.  
  
_"Captain, without your display compass, hitting your target destination is mathematically impossible."_  
  
"Spock, if I get back, we really need to talk about your bedside manner." His joke fell flat even to his own ears. They both knew he wasn't coming back...  
  
_"My display is still functioning. I see you, Kirk, you're two hundred meters ahead of me at my one o'clock. Come to your left a few degrees and follow me."_ Khan's voice over his comm might have been the most wonderful thing that Jim had ever heard in his life. If it had been even remotely feasible, he would have kissed the man right then and there. Maybe later...if Khan let him...  
  
_I fucking love you..._  
  
It wasn't the first time that Jim had allowed himself to admit it. But it was certainly the first time in recent days that Jim let himself admit that he _still_ loved Khan. Even after everything that had happened between them. Maybe he had never really stopped, and that was why the man's betrayal, Pike's death, everything hurt so damned much. But now as they flew side by side, close enough to touch. He couldn't help giving Khan a slight smile, and he felt like a lovesick teenaged girl the way his heart sped up when Khan returned it briefly.  
  
"Scotty, we're getting close. We need a warm welcome. Do you copy? Do you copy? Scotty?"  
  
Where the hell was he? After all of that... Please Scotty...  
  
"Scotty!"  
  
Spock began counting down.  
  
"Mr. Scott, where are you? Do you copy, Scotty? Please!"  
  
One...  
  
"Open the door!"  
  
The airlock opened. They were inside. Sliding and rolling gracelessly on the floor of the hangar bay, but they were alive. They'd fucking made it!  
  
"Welcome aboard."  
  
Jim was panting, and probably sporting some impressive bruising from all of this. But they were alive and he definitely couldn't complain about that.  
  
"It's good to see you, Scotty." Jim greeted his former chief engineer. After this, Jim was definitely buying Scotty a drink. Several drinks. A whole bar.  
  
"Who is that?" The Scotsman asked, and Jim groaned as he pushed himself up off of the floor. No time for lying down or even catching their breath; they still had a ship to save, after all. What they just did, that was the easy part!  
  
"Khan, Scotty. Scotty, Khan." Jim gave the introductions quickly.  
  
"Hello." Scotty replied. Khan, of course, was all business.  
  
"They'll know we're here. I know the best way to the bridge," Khan stated and Jim gave a weary nod, forcing his bruised body to its feet. They didn't have much time. He pulled off his ruined helmet and quickly stripped off the space suit, since it would give him better freedom of movement. Khan did the same.  
  
Jim opened his pack and handed one of the phasers inside it to Khan.  
  
"It's locked to stun," he informed the man as he did.  
  
"Theirs won't be," Khan replied without missing a beat.  
  
"Try not to get shot," Jim said, earning him a look from the augment that was far from amused. Khan didn't reply, merely turned and left Scotty and him to follow.  
  
"They're going to have full power, and we're walking?" The engineer soon objected.  
  
"The turbolifts are easily tracked and Marcus would have us in a cage. This path runs adjacent to the engine room. They know they won't be able to use their weapons here without destabilizing the warp core, which gives us the advantage." Khan's explanation was sound, and this, of course, was the reason why Khan was here in the first place. He knew this ship. They didn't. They had to trust he would get them to the bridge on time. But, still, Jim would have liked it if they could move a _little_ faster.  
  
"Where'd you find this guy?" Scotty's question might have made Jim laugh if the situation wasn't so dire.  
  
"It's a long story," Jim replied. Boy, wasn't _that_ the understatement of the century.  
  
"I don't mean to tempt fate here, but where is everybody?" Scotty asked next.  
  
"The ship is designed to be flown by minimal crew. One if necessary." Khan supplied, surprisingly forthcoming, and really the more he heard about this ship that the augment had designed the more impressed he was. Though that meant if they couldn't get to the bridge and put everyone down fast, once again, this would all be for nothing. It would only take one press of a button to destroy the _Enterprise_.  
  
"One? I..." Scotty's reply was cut off when they were suddenly attacked, and Jim could only watch stunned as Khan retaliated with a ferocity that really shouldn't have been a surprise, since he'd seen how the man had taken down dozens of Klingons on Kronos. But those were Klingons! Not men. And, Jim realized, what he really should have known all along: Khan didn't need weapons to kill. He _was_ a weapon! And if what Jim was seeing now was anything to go by, the man was on a hair trigger. Barely in control.  
  
Thankfully, they were able to take care of their attackers fairly quickly, and Jim turned to help Scotty up.  
  
"You all right?"  
  
"Yeah. Where's Khan?" The engineer said. Jim's head snapped around to look where the augment had just been moments ago. But he was gone...  
  
No... Fuck!  
  
They rushed forward, hurrying in between banks of equipment, looking for any sign of the man. Had he left them behind? Had he been taken prisoner, even as unlikely as that sounded...? But Khan wasn't invincible, and it was possible the man was caught by surprise and could have a phaser held to his head right this moment. A phaser _not_ set to stun.  
  
"Where is he?" Scotty whispered, his voice low, just in case there were others about. But there were no signs of enemies. No signs of a struggle. No sign of Khan...  
  
"Shit!" Jim hissed.  
  
"This way." Khan's voice behind them took Jim by surprise. Jim turned so fast he almost sprained his neck, and the relief he felt that Khan was all right was mixed with caution.  
  
_"Don't get in my way."_ Jim couldn't help but recall the 'warning' that Khan had given him not so long ago.  
  
What the hell are you planning, Khan?  
  
Jim sure as hell knew what _he_ would want most right about now, if he were Khan. The phasers being locked to stun wasn't just for Khan. Jim didn't trust himself not to simply shoot the admiral in the face once he saw him. Though, really, that was probably too quick and kind for what the man deserved. Jim would have loved to beat the man to death with his bare hands. Especially after learning what he'd done to Khan...  
  
But they couldn't just kill Marcus, as satisfying as that outcome might be. They needed him alive. The man _had_ to stand trial, or otherwise his crimes might never come to light. If Marcus died before Khan's side of the story could be heard, there might be no way to prove what the admiral had done, and how his actions, his mistreatment of the augments, had led to all the horrors that had followed. Khan would be blamed for _everything_ , and Marcus would end up being a martyr. He couldn't let that happen.  
  
"The minute we get to the bridge, drop him." Jim ordered Scotty even though he hated himself for doing it.  
  
"What, stun him? Khan? I thought he was helping us." He could definitely understand Scotty's confusion, but Jim didn't have the time to explain things to the Scotsman. Scotty would just have to trust him. It was kind of ironic, Khan had once choked Jim unconscious in some kind of fucked-up idea to protect him. Turnabout was fair play...  
  
"I'm pretty sure we're helping him," Jim replied confidently, even if Khan probably wouldn't see it that way.


	12. Chapter 12

They were nearly to the bridge when the _Vengeance_ 's systems came back online, and they immediately broke into a run, no longer caring for stealth or finesse. They were close enough to hear Marcus give the order to re-target the _Enterprise_ when they burst through the entrance to the bridge, phasers blazing.

Khan's shots were just as deadly and precise as Jim had witnessed on Kronos; more than half of the men on the bridge fell stunned, thanks to the augment. He and Scotty easily ensured that the rest of them went down within seconds.

Jim had the admiral in his sights. Marcus wasn't going anywhere. Swallowing hard, Jim reluctantly gave the nod to Scotty. He heard Khan's body hit the floor with a thud and winced internally. Everything in him wanted to rush to the augment's side to make sure that Khan was all right, but he couldn't take his eyes (or his phaser) off of Marcus. The ship could be controlled by just one man and he couldn't risk the admiral attempting to finish the job.

"Make sure he stays down," Jim ordered Scotty. As long as Khan was unconscious, at least he couldn't do something that he'd later regret. Though Jim knew he was going to have some _serious_ explaining to do to the augment when Khan awoke. He could only hope that the man would understand...and eventually forgive him.

Jim turned his thoughts away from Khan to the man in front of him.

"Admiral Marcus, you're under arrest." He informed the admiral of this with barely-restrained hostility. It wasn't easy; Jim wanted nothing more than to beat the smug look right off of the older man's face and to keep going until there was nothing left of the man but a bloody stain on the floor. The darkness inside of him howled in rage, eager to seek revenge for everyone that the admiral had hurt that Jim cared about. Pike. His crew. Khan...

But he couldn't. Not now. Not yet. Marcus would pay for what he had done. But not like this.

"You're not actually going to do this, are you?" Marcus, apparently mistaking his hesitation to stun him as weakness, attempted to goad him.

"Admiral, get out of the chair," Jim ordered, his voice shockingly calm but holding a razor's edge. He knew that the admiral was only stalling, that the _Enterprise_ and all the people on his ship were still in danger as long as the man was near those controls. He wasn't going to fall for any attempts to distract him.

"You better stop and think about what you're doing, Kirk. You better think about what you did on Kronos. You made an incursion onto an enemy planet! You killed a Klingon patrol. Even if you got away without a trace, war is coming. And who is going to lead us? _You_?" Jim listened to the admiral's insane ranting with an impassive expression, even though the urge to shoot the man was getting harder and harder to resist with every poison-filled word. Even a phaser set to stun could be deadly at close range... "If I'm not in charge, our entire way of life is decimated! So you want me off this ship, you better kill me."

"I'm not going to kill you, sir," Jim answered, again, more calmly than he was actually feeling at that moment. "But I could stun your ass and drag you out of that chair. I'd rather not do that in front of your daughter."

It was a gamble, reminding the admiral that Carol was there, watching all of this, seeing her father for the monster that he really was. But then the only time the man had shown any kind of restraint was when he'd realized that Carol was on board the _Enterprise_. If anything could make him come along 'quietly'...

Jim allowed his attention to flick away from the admiral for a moment in order to check on the young woman.

"You all right?" he asked.

"Yes, Captain," she answered, shakily, but at least she appeared unharmed.

And then the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened. Jim heard Scotty hit the floor. Heard Carol scream a warning, but he was too slow to react in time. Khan's body hit his like a freight train and they both went down hard onto the floor. Jim barely noticed Marcus' hasty retreat; he was too busy getting the shit beat out of him by his enraged lover.

It shouldn't have happened. The phasers, set to their highest stun setting, should have been enough to put down an Earth elephant for hours. Khan hadn't been out for more than a few minutes, if he'd been unconscious at all. It was a mistake that might just cost them all of their lives.

But even as Khan hit him over and over, the force of the blows making Jim see stars, he knew that Khan was holding back. The fact that Jim was still conscious, not to mention alive, even if he was seriously dazed, was proof enough of that. That didn't mean it didn't hurt. Especially when the augment pulled him up by the hair, kneed him in the stomach, and threw him across the room like a rag doll.

Jim groaned, curled up on the floor in pain, clinging to consciousness with his fingertips.

"Khan, please..." Jim wheezed, but he wasn't sure the augment heard him. He wasn't sure Khan would have heard him, or bothered to listen, even if Jim had managed to shout it. He heard Carol's desperate pleas, then heard her scream in pain. Jim lifted his head. Saw Khan... The naked rage on the augment's face was terrifying. And Marcus... There was nothing he could do.

"You... You should have let me sleep." Khan's hissed words were followed by the sickening crunch of breaking bone and Carol's horror-struck scream. It was the most horrifying thing that Jim had ever seen. As much as he'd wanted to see Marcus dead... As much as he wanted the man to suffer, seeing Khan standing there over the man's now-limp form, his hands covered in blood and...brain matter, Jim felt nausea roll through him swiftly and he couldn't stop himself from being sick on the floor.

He retched until he felt dizzy, looking up only when he heard the sound of approaching boots on the hard floor. He saw Khan pass a look to Carol, now sobbing hysterically, and for a terrifying moment Jim was afraid that he would be forced to watch the man kill her too. But thankfully Khan ignored her after that, instead turning his attention to Jim. The unsated rage in those piercing blue-green eyes made Jim's entire body go ridged with fear.

As Khan approached him, Jim tried to back away, but he didn't get very far. The augment grabbed him by the throat and hauled him up like he weighed nothing at all. He heard Carol scream again in fear, but Jim had bigger things to worry about right now. Like Khan slamming him against the wall and pinning him there by his neck. Jim's toes barely touched the ground, and he was starting to see stars again from the pressure around his throat.

"Khan..." Jim wheezed as he grabbed at the hand holding him, tugging at it uselessly, trying to get Khan to relax his hold, even a little. Khan responded by tightening his grip even more. It was then that Jim began to realize that Khan could, and would, kill him.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you." Khan's voice was deceptively calm, especially when the look in the augment's eyes was anything but. The smell of blood still clinging to the man was nauseating, and Jim was very close to passing out. He wasn't sure he could even speak around the pressure on his throat, but he had to.

"I... I love you." Jim's wheezing whisper was barely intelligible to his own ears, but he had to say it. At least once, even if it didn't matter in the end. Even if it didn't stay Khan's hand, he still needed to say it. Especially if it was going to be his last chance. He'd never really loved anyone before Khan. And he probably never would again.

To Jim's utter shock, the pressure around his neck abruptly ceased, and Jim found himself on the floor, gasping and coughing, darkness creeping around the edges of his vision once more, despite the fact that he was no longer being choked. Jim looked up at the man standing above him but Khan's face was an unreadable mask set in stone. He had no idea what the man was thinking. Was he waiting for Jim to say more? Or was he simply contemplating the best way to kill him?

"I'm sorry -" Jim started, but that was as far as he got before whatever paralysis had gripped Khan vanished. The augment reached for him and Jim couldn't help but flinch in fear, the image of Khan crushing Marcus' skull between his hands was still too fresh in his mind. Khan hesitated, only a moment, but then the augment was grabbing Jim again (by the arm at least this time, instead of his neck) and hauling Jim to his feet.

Jim stumbled, unable to support his own weight, but Khan didn't wait for him to find his feet. The augment practically dragged him along like a toy. He saw Carol on the floor, her eyes wide, wet, and fearful. He saw Scotty, too. The man only looked unconscious at least and not dead, even though Jim couldn't tell if the engineer was breathing or not. Then he saw Marcus and almost threw up again. He felt bile begin to rise in his throat, but thankfully Khan didn't linger by the gruesome sight.

Khan passed by the body to a room, the room Marcus had been trying so desperately to get to before the augment reached him, and all but tossed Jim inside. Jim stumbled and landed hard on the floor with another groan of pain. He heard the door shut, locking him inside with the enraged augment. Jim spared a quick glance around to realize they were in what looked like the Captain's Ready Room, before his eyes locked on Khan once more.

The man looked tense and agitated as he paced silently around the room. Jim didn't dare say a word, barely even dared to breathe. Khan finally came to a stop in front of the dark viewport, and Jim could see the _Enterprise_ , hovering there helplessly in space. Beyond it lay the planet Earth. So close, yet so far away. Khan looked out, still and silent, and the expression on his face... It reminded Jim so much of that night in London that it felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest.

Slowly Jim pushed himself to his feet, a groan of discomfort catching in his throat. But he ignored the pain in his bruised body as he carefully walked towards Khan. The augment stood still as stone, even though he certainly knew that Jim was there, standing close to him. Close enough that Jim could smell the sweat and blood on him. The captain swallowed down the fear and nausea that the smell invoked and slowly reached out to lay his hand hesitantly against the augment's back. Jim felt Khan's muscles tense beneath his touch; he flinched in spite of himself, but he didn't pull away.

Then Khan whirled around so fast that Jim almost stumbled in his haste to back up, expecting violence. But Khan caught him and pulled him forward instead, practically crushing Jim against his chest as he kissed him.

Jim tasted blood. Whether from his split lip from when Khan had punched him earlier, or the augment's teeth, he couldn't be sure, but at the same time he didn't care. He opened his mouth for the greedy tongue that stole inside and couldn't help the moan of pleasure that escaped him in spite of everything. It was surprisingly easy to block out all that had just happened: Khan beating him, Khan killing Marcus and hurting Carol, Khan knocking out Scotty. It was easy to forget that the man holding him so tightly now, fingers digging more bruises into Jim's already-abused body, had just killed a man with those same hands. Was smearing that man's blood all over Jim's clothes as he pulled him hard up against him. Khan's hard cock pressed unashamedly into Jim, and if he was thinking even remotely coherently right now, Jim might have been horrified how his own body immediately responded.

Khan began to push him backwards, not breaking the contact of their lips in the process. Jim felt the back of his thighs come up against a hard surface. The augment broke the kiss long enough to sweep his arm behind Jim. He heard several objects crash to the floor, but Jim was unable to look away from the naked hunger in Khan's eyes to care what they were. Khan pushed him onto a desk, Jim realized, once his back was flat against the hard surface. Jim's breath caught in his throat as Khan grabbed his hips and pulled them to the edge. When the augment's hands moved to the fastening on Jim's trousers, the first real stirrings of fear began to pool in his gut.

Khan froze all of a sudden, looking down at him with a curious expression, before leaning over Jim. His hands left Jim's waist for a moment, one hand sliding up underneath Jim's shirt to slowly caress his chest. The other hand reached up to tangle in Jim's hair, the grip not exactly painful, but not gentle either. Jim looked up at the augment with wide eyes as Khan brought their faces close.

"I'm not going to rape you, Kirk." Khan stated firmly, "This stops whenever you want it to."

Jim could only stare up at the other man, relief washing over him so powerfully that it made him dizzy and glad that he was lying down. He wasn't prepared for Khan suddenly and painfully twisting one of his nipples, and Jim yelped before he could stop himself. Khan's expression never changed.

"But I am not going to be gentle with you. Is this what you want?"

Jim swallowed hard. His heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to explode. His arousal hadn't abated in the least in response to Khan's warning. Jim nodded quickly, earning him another painful twist to his nipple that made him hiss. Khan raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yes," Jim whispered, and he received a look of approval from the other man. "I want this."

Khan responded by kissing him again. Based upon Khan's warning, he expected it to be hard and deep with more teeth than tongue. But it was surprisingly slow, easy, as though the other man was savoring him. Savoring this. The hand beneath his shirt moved over his chest possessively, caressing him everywhere , unmindful of the bruises covering him. It made Jim grunt softly in discomfort, but he certainly was not going to tell the other man to stop. Khan pressed his hips down between Jim's legs, rolling, grinding their erections together between the layers of cloth.

Jim's hands came up to clutch at the dark shirt that Khan wore, his fingers bunching into the material. Every movement drew increasingly louder sounds from Jim and he was left panting and gasping for air when Khan finally drew back. He felt the other man's teeth on his neck next, and tilted his head back to give Khan better access. A soft whimper escaped his throat when the augment bit down on his already-bruised flesh.

"Khan," Jim whispered, his hands now almost frantically grabbing at the other man's shirt, pulling it up and working his hands underneath the dark material in search of bare skin. Khan bit down on his neck hard, pulling another desperate sound from him.

"Again," he heard the man whisper into his ear, at the same time Khan began to pinch his already too-sensitive nipples again.

"What?" he replied, not understanding. It garnered him a sharp twist to one of the sensitive buds of flesh, making Jim shout. Khan pulled back enough to look him in the eye. There was passion in the augment's eyes, but also something much darker, as he stared down at Jim.

"Say it again," Khan ordered, and Jim felt his whole body flush when realization hit him. Every other time they'd been together, he had been 'John'. That was the name Jim had cried out while the augment had been touching him, fucking him...the name Marcus had given him. Jim remembered, even though he hadn't understood it at the time, how the man had seemed almost angry when he said that name. Now Jim knew why.

"Khan," Jim repeated. The expression on Khan's face didn't change, but he didn't look away from Jim's eyes, even as he felt the augment's hands move down his body once more to the fastenings on his trousers.

"Again," the augment repeated as he tugged open Jim's pants.

"Khan... Oh fuck." he panted. Khan practically ripped the trousers off of his legs, leaving Jim naked from the waist down. The elder man grabbed his cock, giving him several hard firm strokes. His back arched and Khan didn't need to prompt him this time. Jim nearly shouted the man's name.

Khan didn't linger there for very long. Soon his fingers moved lower, slick only with Jim's own leaked fluids for lubrication as they pushed inside of him. Jim grunted in discomfort, but reminded himself this was a hell of a lot more prep than he had given the augment, so he had no right to complain. Besides, Khan had already warned him he had no intentions of being gentle.

Khan opened him up quickly and efficiently. His fingers left him just as quickly, leaving Jim feeling sore and empty, though he knew he wouldn't be feeling the latter for very long. Khan wasted no time opening his own trousers and pulling out his cock. The head pressed against Jim's entrance, and Khan stilled for a moment, looking down at him closely. Perhaps he was waiting to see if Jim was going to finally say 'no'. But Jim had no intention of stopping now.

Then Khan was inside of him, filling him hard and fast with one thrust, making Jim practically howl. Khan grabbed his hips tightly, holding him immobile, making it impossible for Jim to pull away as the augment fucked him.

Jim squeezed his eyes shut, in part, to stop the tears that burned behind his eyelids from falling. He bit his lip bloody in an attempt to keep quiet. But he should have known better; the last thing Khan seemed to want was his silence.

"Say it!" the augment growled, changing his angle with his next thrust, hitting Jim's prostate dead-on, making stars explode behind his eyes. Jim's fingers dug into the older man's back, leaving bloody tracks with his nails.

"I love you." It probably wasn't what Khan was expecting at all, considering how ridged the man suddenly became. But the stillness only lasted a heartbeat, and then Khan was fucking him again. Harder. Deeper. It hurt, no doubt about it. But that didn't stop the cries of pleasure that ripped from Jim's throat every time Khan hit his prostate.

"James..." Khan's whisper was soft, barely heard over the sound of their panting breaths. But it was enough to get Jim's attention. He opened his eyes to look up at the man above him. Some of the anger had faded from Khan's expression. What was in its place was not kindness, but grief. Jim knew why, but he didn't want to even think about it. Not now. Not while Khan was still inside of him. Here with him. If only for a few more moments.

Jim pulled the man down into a desperate kiss, which Khan returned with enthusiasm. He felt Khan reach between their moving bodies to grasp his cock once more. The cry of pleasure was swallowed by Khan's mouth on his own when his orgasm ripped through him. Jim practically sobbed into the kiss, clinging to Khan for all he was worth. The augment continued to move inside of him, drawing out his pleasure, until finally Khan stilled with a deep groan and Jim felt the hot rush of his seed deep within him.

He clung to the man even tighter, unwilling to let go of this moment, unwilling to let Khan go, unwilling to let the world outside of this room intrude upon them because reality had been cruel to them both. But neither of them had a choice. They'd never had a choice. Both of them were merely pawns in this game, and now the game was coming to an end.


	13. Chapter 13

It was a long time before Khan moved, untangling himself from Jim and pulling back, despite his efforts to continue clinging to the elder man. Khan pushed him away, not unkindly, as he straightened and began fixing his clothing. Jim groaned softly as he sat up; his entire body hurt in ways he was going to remember for a long time... Both good and bad.

He sat on the edge of the desk Khan had fucked him on, and didn't bother even trying to dress or make himself presentable. The augment raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment. Jim just watched Khan until he was finished. Once Khan was done, he looked immaculate as always. Except for slightly swollen lips, no one looking at him would ever know what had just happened.

Jim had to fight the urge to grab the man, yank his hair, bite his lips, and claw at his body as he begged the augment to fuck him again. Anything to watch him fall apart once more. To make Khan look as wrecked as Jim felt right now.

"Now what?" Jim finally forced himself to ask, even though he was afraid of the answer.

Khan looked away, back out the windows. Back towards the _Enterprise_. Where both their crews waited for them...

"Come with me."

Jim blinked, disbelief making his jaw drop and his eyes grow wide. He...hadn't been expecting that. In fact, he didn't believe his own ears for a moment.

"What?" Jim whispered, Khan looked back to him and stepped forward. Close enough that Jim could feel his heat. He wanted to drown in it...

"Come with me," Khan repeated clearly, looking Jim square in the eye. "Help me retrieve my crew. We will leave this place. This solar system. This galaxy. We will find a new place. A better place."

Jim's head was spinning.

"My crew..." he replied, but his protest sounded weak even to his own ears.

"You do not belong with them," Khan stated firmly, reaching up to run his fingers through Jim's hair, tangling them in the short strands and pulling Jim closer. "You belong with me."

Jim swallowed hard. How often had he thought something similar, even though he tried not to admit it, even to himself?  That he did not belong.  That no one truly understood him.  And that was why losing 'John' had hurt Jim so damned badly. Because it felt like he'd lost the only person who had really ever understood him. He wanted to say yes. Oh god, how he wanted to say yes. But...

"We... We can't run. Starfleet... It's not like how it was in your time, Khan. They'll follow us..." Jim shook his head. "We, have to go to Starfleet. Try to explain...what Marcus did... We have to try..."

Khan's grip tightened in his hair almost painfully.

"Do not be so naive, Kirk."

"Khan, please..."

"I told you before, I will not be a slave again, Kirk. Not even for you."

"It wouldn't be like that..." Jim tried desperately to reason with the man. "They'll come after us. The entire Federation. We can't run, we'd always be looking over our shoulders, it would be hell!"

"I would rather rule in hell, than serve in heaven."

"Khan, for god's sake...you don't have to do this. I'll testify. My whole crew will testify. We all heard Marcus..." The look on Khan's face made Jim suddenly go cold as understanding dawned. "No... You can't... Please..." Jim begged desperately.

"I will not leave an enemy at my back," Khan stated simply, as though it was a most reasonable solution. Jim felt like his whole world was spinning out of control.

"That's murder!"

"That is war, Kirk! Now, it is time to choose a side," Khan demanded, and Jim could only stare at him with his mouth hanging open. Khan couldn't... He couldn't possibly be asking him to do this. To betray his crew... It was...

Jim swallowed hard. The pain in his heart made it difficult to breathe, but he met Khan's eyes without flinching.

"No..." he whispered, his voice broken. Then he cleared his throat, and repeated more confidently, "No. I won't help you. Not like this..."

Khan released him and took a step back. He didn't seem surprised in the least, as though he had never expected Jim to give him any other answer. In fact, Jim had the impression that Khan would have been disappointed if he _had_ agreed.  The augment took a slow breath then gave him a firm nod.

"Get dressed."

"Khan..."

"Get dressed unless you wish for me to drag you in front of your crew naked," Khan snapped, and any compassion he might have felt for Jim before seemed long gone. Jim hastily stood up and complied, even though his fingers fumbled on the fastening of his trousers, his whole body feeling cold and numb with shock.

Once Jim was more-or-less presentable, Khan grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back to the bridge of the _Vengeance_. Carol was still there, sobbing quietly, tears streaked down her beautiful face as she looked towards Jim as they entered. He briefly wondered if she had heard them in the other room...then he decided it didn't matter. Scotty was still lying on the floor, but at least he was beginning to stir.

Khan ordered the _Vengeance_ computer to hail the _Enterprise_ and then dragged Jim in front of the captain's chair. He felt the press of a phaser against the back of his neck.

"I'm going to make this very simple for you." Khan began, not speaking to Jim.

 _"Captain."_   Upon seeing him, Spock's expression seemed almost worried.

"Your crew for my crew," Khan demanded without preamble.

_"You betrayed us."_

"You are smart, Mr. Spock." Khan taunted the Vulcan, and Jim's attempt to speak, and attempt to diffuse the situation earned him a painful hit to the back of the head that dropped him to the floor and caused him to black out for several long moments.

 _"If you destroy our ship, you will also destroy your own people."_ When he came to, it was to hear Spock and Khan arguing.

"Your crew requires oxygen to survive, mine does not. I will target your life support systems located behind the aft nacelle. And after every single person aboard your ship suffocates, I will walk over your cold corpses to recover my people." Jim felt his own body go cold and ridged with fear as Khan spoke so calmly about killing everybody aboard his ship. If Jim had any doubts at all that he could try to reason with the man to show mercy towards his crew, they vanished in that instant.

Right now Khan was completely ruthless and without mercy.

"Now, shall we begin?"

 _"Lower shields."_ Spock gave in.

"Khan..."Jim whispered as he tried to get up from the floor. Even knowing it was futile, he had to try nonetheless... But Khan wasn't listening to him. Not anymore. Jim had made his choice, after all...

"A wise choice, Mr. Spock," Khan stated and then kicked Jim in the gut hard to silence him, leaving him once more gasping and choking where he lay. Barely able to breathe.

Khan didn't waste any time then transporting the torpedoes over to the _Vengeance_.

 _"I have fulfilled your terms. Now fulfill mine,"_ Jim heard Spock demand. Jim tried once more to get up, casting Khan a desperate look. Prepared to beg. Prepared to do anything that Khan wanted, if only Khan would spare his friends.

"Well, Kirk, it seems apt to return you to your crew." Khan did not give him time to voice his pleas. If the man felt any remorse about what he was going to do, Jim could not see it. "After all, no ship should go down without her captain."

They were the last words Jim would ever hear from the man he loved.

* * *

It was somehow fitting, Jim already felt like he had given up everything for the sake of his crew. It seemed only right now that he should give up his life as well to save those under his command. If nothing else, Khan had shown him the price of true leadership, the kinds of sacrifices that needed to be made. Pike had been right; Jim definitely hadn't been ready to be captain of the _Enterprise_.

But it was all over now. And at least in the end, Jim wasn't alone.

"How's our ship?" Jim asked Spock wearily.

"Out of danger. You saved the crew." Spock's reply filled him with some measure of peace, even though he disagreed with the latter half of the Vulcan's statement. He wasn't the one who had saved the crew...

"You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." Jim couldn't help but compliment his first officer on his ingenuity. Spock had been able to save the crew when Jim couldn't. At least Jim had done one thing right leaving the Vulcan in command. At least it hadn't all been in vain.

"It is what you would have done," Spock replied, and Jim almost had to laugh at that. No, actually it wasn't what Jim would have done. Jim didn't think he would have been capable of it. Spock had been right. He'd been too emotionally compromised. From the very beginning.  Khan never had that problem...which had put Jim at a disadvantage.

"And this, this is what you would have done. It was only logical." Jim replied, not really in the mood to argue right now. "I'm scared, Spock. Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?"

Because even after everything...a part of him still wished it was not Spock who was here with him right now in his final moments. This fear, this disappointment, this... heartbreak... it wasn't the last things that Jim wanted to feel.

"I do not know. Right now I am failing." Spock's reply frankly stunned him, not only the words themselves, but the emotion behind them. Jim looked up at the Vulcan to see actual tears lurking in Spock's eyes. He...hadn't expected that. Jim remembered that moment on Nibiru when he thought that Spock would die in that volcano. The Vulcan had been so calm then. And afterwards. He thought that Spock didn't care... But now... Maybe Spock just didn't understand.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you..."

"Because you are my friend," Spock finished for him, and Jim couldn't help but smile faintly. Maybe Spock understood after all.

There was more that Jim wanted to say. So much more. He wanted to ask...about Khan... if the man was still alive. Because even after everything, even though Khan seemed to have no problem killing Jim, killing everyone Jim cared about... he didn't want Khan to die... He'd hated the man once. Been prepared to kill him.  For revenge... for Pike. In these last moments, Jim couldn't find it in him to hate the man again. Because Jim finally understood... there was nothing Jim wouldn't do to save his family either... But he was out of time. He barely had the strength to lift his hand to place it against the glass, seeking the comfort of physical contact he knew he couldn't receive, but reaching for it nonetheless . He moved his fingers to mirror Spock's when the Vulcan placed his hand up against the glass as well.

All too soon his lungs refused to draw in breath, no matter how much he fought to take just one more lungful of air. His heart seized painfully in his chest which had nothing to do with the emotional pain he was in. His vision began to grow dark...and mercifully the pain began to diminish.

Khan...

The world went dark.

* * *

_Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved eight hundred lives. I dare you to do better._

Jim came awake with a start, breathing heavily... He shouldn't be breathing. He shouldn't be awake. He definitely shouldn't be alive.

What the hell?

He looked to the side and was greeted by Bones' all-too-familiar face. It was... impossible. He was dead...wasn't he? He definitely should be dead. Had Bones died too?

"Don't be so melodramatic. You were barely dead," Bones joked, as though sensing his thoughts. "It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks."

"Transfusion?" Jim whispered, his voice hoarse from disuse, confusion coloring his tone.

"Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice," the doctor explained, and understanding dawned.

"Khan?"

"Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his superblood," Bones went on, but Jim was still hung up on that fact he was actually alive. Because of Khan... Khan's blood...

"Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?" the doctor asked him, joking of course, and Jim couldn't help but laugh softly in spite of everything.

"No more than usual," he replied. "How'd you catch him?"

Where was he now? Was he all right? There was so much that Jim needed to know.

Could Jim see him?

"I didn't," Bones replied cryptically, and stepped out of the way to allow Spock to step forward.

"You saved my life." Jim thanked the Vulcan, deciding that maybe now wasn't the best time to ask about Khan.

"Uhura and I had something to do with it, too, you know." The doctor decided to butt in, earning him an eyeroll from Jim.

"You saved my life, Captain. And the lives..." Spock began and Jim had to cut him off.

"Spock, just..." His voice trailed off in a sigh. Jim didn't feel like he had saved anyone, and he just couldn't hear the Vulcan's thanks right now. After all, it had been Jim's mistakes that had led them to this situation in the first place. And Jim hadn't been able to save the one person who mattered most to him...

Even if Khan hadn't wanted to be saved...

Jim finally settled on "Thank you."

"You are welcome, Jim."

* * *

Sometime later, after Spock had gone, and Bones was about to head out as well, Jim reached out to grasp the doctor's arm. Again, as though sensing Jim's thoughts, Bones tried to deflect his questions before he could voice them.

"You should get some rest, Jim..." the doctor instructed him, not unkindly. Jim only gripped the other man's arm more tightly when Bones tried to pull away.

"Bones, please... Khan...?"

The doctor's eyes narrowed a little at the augment's name, then the man gave a deep resigned sigh.

"It's over, Jim," Bones told him, and he could tell that the man didn't want to elaborate. Jim wasn't even sure he wanted to know... But he needed to.

"Please..." Jim repeated. Bones finally nodded.

"He was taken away as soon as you were stable. I've no idea where... Starfleet wasn't very forthcoming. All I know is he was sentenced to be returned to cryogenic sleep with the rest of his crew." Jim felt his blood turn to ice in his veins.

He was gone. Back in cryogenic sleep. Not dead, at least... But he might as well be. Jim would never see him again...

Jim released Bones, his whole body felt strangely numb. The doctor looked at him in sympathy.

"I'm sorry, Jim," Bones told him honestly. The man might have no love for Khan, but he did care about Jim, at least. Jim gave a slight nod, still feeling too shocked and numb to even form words. Bones turned as though to leave, then sighed again in frustration.

"Damn it..." Jim heard Bones mutter before turning back. "He told me not to tell you."

Jim could only stare at the doctor in confusion.

"Khan," the older man explained, "Before they took him away. He told me not to tell you."

"Tell me what?" Jim asked, almost afraid. His heart lurched painfully in his chest.

"He personally instructed me on how to use his blood to save you. Apparently if it's not done correctly it can be lethal. Not that it really mattered in your case, but..." Bones trailed off and shook his head. "His one condition was that I didn't tell you he helped save you."

"Why...?" Jim asked in confusion.

Bones shrugged.

"He didn't give a reason. I can only guess..." The doctor hesitated before continuing. "Maybe he thought...if you knew that he had saved you...you wouldn't let him go."

Jim blinked. Then he blinked again, fighting in vain against the emotion that welled up inside of him, though it was a losing battle. Eventually Jim turned his face away to hide the tears that spilled down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Jim," the doctor repeated. Jim nodded silently.

"I need to be alone," he said after some time had passed, unable to stand Bones hovering there looking at him with sympathy any longer. The older man gave a soft sigh but nodded.

"All right... If you need anything..." Bones let the sentiment trail off, and left without another word. Just in time. Jim turned his face into the pillow and finally allowed his tears to flow freely.


	14. Epilogue

It had been nearly a year since he had seen any of his crew members from the _Enterprise_. After he had been released from Starfleet Medical, Jim had taken a long leave of absence. He had nearly resigned his commission right then and there, but Bones, Spock, Uhura - hell, pretty much Jim's entire crew - had pleaded with him to reconsider. So, it was a formal period of leave instead.  
  
He'd taken that time to travel, and to heal. As much as he was able to.  
  
He visited London. He hadn't been able to see much of the city the first time he'd been there. And because, apparently, he was a masochist, he even found that little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that Khan -then John- had taken them to for their one and only date. Jim hadn't been able to actually eat any of the meal he had ordered, but he did drink plenty. Both at the restaurant and then later alone in his hotel room. He didn't remember much about the next couple of days.  
  
He also visited India, Khan's apparent birthplace and seat of power in his era. Jim had spent a long time walking the streets, trying to imagine what it might have been like to do so in Khan's time.  
  
He visited a lot of other countries after that, almost more than he could remember. The destinations all began to blur together after a while, while Jim practically made loops around the globe in his rented shuttle. Bones, in one of the rare calls from the doctor that Jim had actually taken at the time, had accused him of running away. Maybe Jim was. Or maybe he was looking for something... Someone... Himself?  
  
Eventually Jim had ended up 'home' in Iowa, on his own in a house that had never really been a home to him, even when he'd had a family there to go back to.  
  
For the most part, he'd been left alone to get his shit together. To grieve...  
  
Finally, about a month ago, Spock had called him.  
  
The _Enterprise_ and her crew had been chosen for Starfleet's new five year mission, program. But on one condition only: that Jim Kirk take command as captain. Jim had a feeling that was Starfleet's way of getting rid of him, to stop him from asking questions. To keep him from insisting that they review the case against Khan and his people and offer a chance to parole the augments. To stop worrying that Jim Kirk might go to the press and tell them the _truth_ about what had happened a year ago.  
  
It was what he had always wanted. A chance to explore deep space. Uncharted territory. To seek out new life. New civilizations... He had told Spock that he would call him back when he'd made his decision...  
  
But now Jim was here. He'd ended his leave of absence when Starfleet had requested that he speak at a dedication ceremony to honor those who had died and to rechristen the U.S.S _Enterprise_... Because James T. Kirk was considered a hero. A hero for apprehending the fugitive John Harrison. For saving the crew of the _Enterprise_. For preventing a war against the Klingons...  
  
A hero...  
  
He had never felt more unworthy of that title.  
  
It was all he could do, standing up there in his gray dress uniform, his note cards for his speech in hand, and not throw them away in disgust. He longed to tell all of those gathered there what had really happened. Instead, he had given the speech that Starfleet had wanted, because it would have been pointless to do otherwise, and he'd only end up hurting those he cared for. Everyone wanted the past to remain buried... Jim wondered if Admiral Pike would have approved...  
  
He felt like a coward...  
  
Maybe he was still running away, it certainly felt like it. Not only from ghosts this time, but the entire planet. Five years was a long time... Maybe by the time he returned to Earth it would feel more like home again and less like a graveyard.  
  
Jim sighed heavily as he stood in the hangar bay of the _Enterprise_ , a Starfleet lieutenant reciting away the list of supplies that were being brought aboard. Normally this would be something that Spock would oversee, but apparently the Vulcan was otherwise occupied. That was fine. It wasn't like Jim had anything better to do...  
  
"...electron resonance scanner, dermal regenerator, seventy-three experimental torpedoes..."  
  
At those words, Jim's drifting mind snapped to attention immediately.  
  
"What?!" Jim all but shouted, earning him a confused look from the lieutenant in front of him.  
  
"Is there a problem, Captain?" she asked, looking uncomfortable as Jim only continued to stare at her with his mouth slightly agape. He could actually _feel_ the blood draining from his face. If someone was playing some kind of joke on him...  
  
"No problem, Lieutenant," Mr. Scott came up behind Jim, took the datapad from the confused lieutenant, and signed off on the supplies for Jim. Jim could only stand there, frozen in place.  
  
"Captain, is everything all right?" The voice, belonging to Carol Marcus, came next, breaking Jim from his paralysis. He slowly turned to face the young woman who was looking too damned calm in Jim's opinion. "I see you've received our special cargo."  
  
"Dr. Marcus..." It was the only thing Jim managed, the rest of his words dying in his throat like a hand was slowly gripping him around the neck.  What was she doing here? What... what was going on?  
  
"Captain, if you are no longer needed here, your presence has been requested by Commander Spock and Dr. McCoy in storage bay 42," the young woman said, smiling pleasantly at him. Jim could only continue to stare at her...hope warring with disbelief. He couldn't let himself hope... If he hoped and he was wrong...  
  
Jim started towards the turbolift.  
  
Storage bay 42... That was on the same level as the medbay. Jim broke into a run.  
  
By the time Jim reached the room he was out of breath and his heart was beating so fast in his chest he thought it might explode. But he didn't care about that. The door to the room slid open at his command and Jim froze on the threshold. Bones and Spock were there...standing next to one of the rows of cryotubes inside. Bones seemed to be running a scan on whatever...whoever...was inside. Both men looked up as Jim entered.

"Captain." Spock was the first to speak, giving Jim one of his rare almost-but-not-quite-smiles. Jim could only stare at the Vulcan, stunned.  
  
"Jim..." Bones greeted him next, but quickly turned his attention back to the cryotube, then to the first officer when the doctor finished whatever he was doing. "Everything seems fine here. We can begin the revival process at any time."

"Thank you, Doctor," Spock replied, though his eyes never left Jim. The doctor moved to the side to give him access to the cryotube. At first Jim didn't move. He was afraid to. Afraid that if he did, he might break the illusion. If he was dreaming...or hallucinating...  
  
But then his body seemed to be moving against his will, moving towards the cryotube that Bones had indicated. Holding his breath as he peered into it... Jim's knees nearly gave out entirely and he had to brace himself against the tube with his hands to keep from hitting the floor. Out of the corner of his eye Jim saw Bones' expression turn worried.  
  
"You all right, kid?" the doctor asked. Somehow Jim managed a shaky nod. He couldn't look away from the cryotube...or the man inside of it...  
  
"How...?" Jim finally managed, his voice sounding weak and breaking, even to his own ears.  
  
"You'll have to talk to Spock and Dr. Marcus about that. Take all the time you need." Bones gave Jim's shoulder a gentle pat, before slipping out of the room. Jim heard Spock move to follow, and Jim finally managed to tear his eyes away from the cryotube to look at his first officer.

"How...? Why...?" Jim managed, and Spock gave him one of those looks that said the answer should have been obvious.

"Because, you are my friend," the Vulcan stated simply, then left him alone with seventy-three sleeping augments. Though, at the moment, Jim only had eyes for one.  
  
"Khan..." Jim whispered, running his fingers over the cool glass of the cryotube. Of course the man inside did not react. His eyes were closed. His face was more pale than Jim had ever seen him. He looked like he was dead... But he wasn't dead, only sleeping. Khan was alive, and here, aboard the _Enterprise_.  
  
After months, Jim felt a smile spread across his face.

* * *

  
  
"Captain on the bridge." As Jim stepped onto the bridge, Chekov's introduction brought an almost giddy smile to Jim's face and he didn't even try to hide it.  Captain.  Khan was wrong.  This _was_ where Jim belonged.  
  
"It's hard to get out of it once you've had a taste, isn't that right, Mr. Sulu?" Jim joked with his helmsman.  
  
"Captain does have a nice ring to it," Sulu replied, returning Jim's grin like...he knew...and Jim wondered just how many of his crew had been in on this.  Obviously Spock, and Bones... Scotty hadn't seemed all that surprised. Carol... Who else? How the hell had they managed this? For him? "Chair's all yours, sir."  
  
"Mr. Scott. How's our core?" Jim contacted the engineer on the ship's com. The sooner they left Earth's space, the better, in Jim's opinion.  
  
_"Purring like a kitten, Captain. She's ready for a long journey."_ Scotty's reply came back immediately.  
  
"Excellent." Jim was practically bouncing around the bridge now. "Come on, Bones! It's going to be fun."

"Five years in space. God help me..." Jim could only laugh as he heard the muttered reply behind him.  Even the doctor's overly pessimistic grumbles couldn't kill his mood.  Jim continued to make his rounds.  
  
"Dr. Marcus. I'm glad you could be a part of the family," Jim told the young woman, though what he really wanted to do was hug her and thank her. Maybe he still would later, but for now he knew he had to restrain himself. At least until they were out of space port.  
  
"It's nice to have a family," she replied, giving Jim a kind and knowing smile. Jim returned her smile and moved on.  
  
"Spock..." Jim began, but emotion quickly welled up inside of him and suddenly Jim was at a complete loss for words.  
  
"Captain." The Vulcan came to stand by his side patiently. There was so much he wanted to say to the man...  
  
In the end, Jim just asked, "Where shall we go?" The universe was theirs to explore. They could go anywhere... And for the first time in a long time, Jim felt hope for the future flare bright inside of him.  
  
"As a mission of this duration has never been attempted, I defer to your good judgment, Captain," Spock replied, and Jim couldn't help but grin at the man. He knew exactly where he wanted to go...  
  
"Mr. Sulu, take us out."  
  
It was time to find a new home with his family.


End file.
